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The Merry Wives of Windsor

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ACT II SCENE II A room in the Garter Inn. 
FALSTAFFI will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOLWhy, then the world's mine oyster.
Which I with sword will open.
FALSTAFFNot a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my5
good friends for three reprieves for you and your
coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress10
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOLDidst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFFReason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more15
about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the20
terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain25
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOLI do relent: what would thou more of man?
[Enter ROBIN]
ROBINSir, here's a woman would speak with you.30
FALSTAFFLet her approach.
MISTRESS QUICKLYGive your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFFGood morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLYNot so, an't please your worship.
FALSTAFFGood maid, then.35
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFFI do believe the swearer. What with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLYShall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFFTwo thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee40
the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLYThere is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
Doctor Caius,--
FALSTAFFWell, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--45
MISTRESS QUICKLYYour worship says very true: I pray your worship,
come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFFI warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLYAre they so? God bless them and make them his servants!50
FALSTAFFWell, Mistress Ford; what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLYWhy, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
of us, I pray!
FALSTAFFMistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--55
MISTRESS QUICKLYMarry, this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and60
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of65
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
any such sort, as they say, but in the way of70
honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFFBut what says she to me? be brief, my good75
MISTRESS QUICKLYMarry, she hath received your letter, for the which
she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
to notify that her husband will be absence from his
house between ten and eleven.80
FALSTAFFTen and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLYAy, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very85
jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.
FALSTAFFTen and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLYWhy, you say well. But I have another messenger to90
your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the95
other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
FALSTAFFNot I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my100
good parts aside I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLYBlessing on your heart for't!
FALSTAFFBut, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLYThat were a jest indeed! they have not so little105
grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a
marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in110
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must115
send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFFWhy, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLYNay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
go between you both; and in any case have a
nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and120
the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any
wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFFFare thee well: commend me to them both: there's125
my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
this woman.
This news distracts me!
PISTOLThis punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:130
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
FALSTAFFSayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I135
thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
fairly done, no matter.
BARDOLPHSir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.140
FALSTAFFBrook is his name?
FALSTAFFCall him in.
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page145
have I encompassed you? go to; via!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised]
FORDBless you, sir!
FALSTAFFAnd you, sir! Would you speak with me?
FORDI make bold to press with so little preparation upon
FALSTAFFYou're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.
FORDSir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.
FALSTAFFGood Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORDGood Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
for I must let you understand I think myself in155
better plight for a lender than you are: the which
hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open.
FALSTAFFMoney is a good soldier, sir, and will on.160
FORDTroth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFFSir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORDI will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.165
FALSTAFFSpeak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
your servant.
FORDSir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief
with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means, as desire, to make170
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own; that I175
may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
FALSTAFFVery well, sir; proceed.
FORDThere is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
name is Ford.180
FALSTAFFWell, sir.
FORDI have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly185
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many to know
what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have190
merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;195
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'
FALSTAFFHave you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FALSTAFFHave you importuned her to such a purpose?
FALSTAFFOf what quality was your love, then?
FORDLike a fair house built on another man's ground; so
that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
where I erected it.
FALSTAFFTo what purpose have you unfolded this to me?205
FORDWhen I have told you that, I have told you all.
Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a210
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
place and person, generally allowed for your many
war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
FALSTAFFO, sir!215
FORDBelieve it, for you know it. There is money; spend
it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to220
consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
FALSTAFFWould it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.225
FORDO, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
with any detection in my hand, my desires had230
instance and argument to commend themselves: I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
other her defences, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?235
FALSTAFFMaster Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
FORDO good sir!
FALSTAFFI say you shall.240
FORDWant no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFFWant no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want
none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I245
shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
that time the jealous rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
know how I speed.
FORDI am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,250
FALSTAFFHang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:
yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will255
use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
and there's my harvest-home.
FORDI would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
if you saw him.
FALSTAFFHang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will260
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.265
Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
FORDWhat a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is270
improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false
woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not275
only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
devils' additions, the names of fiends: but280
Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath
not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my285
aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. God be290
praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.
I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!295

Next: The Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 2, Scene 3


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