Much Ado About Nothing

Much Ado About Nothing

ACT V SCENE I	Before LEONATO'S house.
	Enter LEONATO and ANTONIO
ANTONIO	If you go on thus, you will kill yourself:
	And 'tis not wisdom thus to second grief
	Against yourself.
LEONATO	I pray thee, cease thy counsel,	5
	Which falls into mine ears as profitless
	As water in a sieve: give not me counsel;
	Nor let no comforter delight mine ear
	But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.
	Bring me a father that so loved his child,	10
	Whose joy of her is overwhelm'd like mine,
	And bid him speak of patience;
	Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine
	And let it answer every strain for strain,
	As thus for thus and such a grief for such,	15
	In every lineament, branch, shape, and form:
	If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,
	Bid sorrow wag, cry 'hem!' when he should groan,
	Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk
	With candle-wasters; bring him yet to me,	20
	And I of him will gather patience.
	But there is no such man: for, brother, men
	Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief
	Which they themselves not feel; but, tasting it,
	Their counsel turns to passion, which before	25
	Would give preceptial medicine to rage,
	Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,
	Charm ache with air and agony with words:
	No, no; 'tis all men's office to speak patience
	To those that wring under the load of sorrow,	30
	But no man's virtue nor sufficiency
	To be so moral when he shall endure
	The like himself. Therefore give me no counsel:
	My griefs cry louder than advertisement.
ANTONIO	Therein do men from children nothing differ.	35
LEONATO	I pray thee, peace. I will be flesh and blood;
	For there was never yet philosopher
	That could endure the toothache patiently,
	However they have writ the style of gods
	And made a push at chance and sufferance.	40
ANTONIO	Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself;
	Make those that do offend you suffer too.
LEONATO	There thou speak'st reason: nay, I will do so.
	My soul doth tell me Hero is belied;
	And that shall Claudio know; so shall the prince	45
	And all of them that thus dishonour her.
ANTONIO	Here comes the prince and Claudio hastily.
	Enter DON PEDRO and CLAUDIO
DON PEDRO	Good den, good den.
CLAUDIO	Good day to both of you.
LEONATO	Hear you. my lords,--	50
DON PEDRO	We have some haste, Leonato.
LEONATO	Some haste, my lord! well, fare you well, my lord:
	Are you so hasty now? well, all is one.
DON PEDRO	Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.
ANTONIO	If he could right himself with quarreling,	55
	Some of us would lie low.
CLAUDIO	Who wrongs him?
LEONATO	Marry, thou dost wrong me; thou dissembler, thou:--
	Nay, never lay thy hand upon thy sword;
	I fear thee not.	60
CLAUDIO	Marry, beshrew my hand,
	If it should give your age such cause of fear:
	In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.
LEONATO	Tush, tush, man; never fleer and jest at me:
	I speak not like a dotard nor a fool,	65
	As under privilege of age to brag
	What I have done being young, or what would do
	Were I not old. Know, Claudio, to thy head,
	Thou hast so wrong'd mine innocent child and me
	That I am forced to lay my reverence by	70
	And, with grey hairs and bruise of many days,
	Do challenge thee to trial of a man.
	I say thou hast belied mine innocent child;
	Thy slander hath gone through and through her heart,
	And she lies buried with her ancestors;	75
	O, in a tomb where never scandal slept,
	Save this of hers, framed by thy villany!
CLAUDIO	My villany?
LEONATO	Thine, Claudio; thine, I say.
DON PEDRO	You say not right, old man.	80
LEONATO	My lord, my lord,
	I'll prove it on his body, if he dare,
	Despite his nice fence and his active practise,
	His May of youth and bloom of lustihood.
CLAUDIO	Away! I will not have to do with you.	85
LEONATO	Canst thou so daff me? Thou hast kill'd my child:
	If thou kill'st me, boy, thou shalt kill a man.
ANTONIO	He shall kill two of us, and men indeed:
	But that's no matter; let him kill one first;
	Win me and wear me; let him answer me.	90
	Come, follow me, boy; come, sir boy, come, follow me:
	Sir boy, I'll whip you from your foining fence;
	Nay, as I am a gentleman, I will.
LEONATO	Brother,--
ANTONIO	Content yourself. God knows I loved my niece;	95
	And she is dead, slander'd to death by villains,
	That dare as well answer a man indeed
	As I dare take a serpent by the tongue:
	Boys, apes, braggarts, Jacks, milksops!
LEONATO	Brother Antony,--	100
ANTONIO	Hold you content. What, man! I know them, yea,
	And what they weigh, even to the utmost scruple,--
	Scrambling, out-facing, fashion-monging boys,
	That lie and cog and flout, deprave and slander,
	Go anticly, show outward hideousness,	105
	And speak off half a dozen dangerous words,
	How they might hurt their enemies, if they durst;
	And this is all.
LEONATO	But, brother Antony,--
ANTONIO	Come, 'tis no matter:	110
	Do not you meddle; let me deal in this.
DON PEDRO	Gentlemen both, we will not wake your patience.
	My heart is sorry for your daughter's death:
	But, on my honour, she was charged with nothing
	But what was true and very full of proof.	115
LEONATO	My lord, my lord,--
DON PEDRO	I will not hear you.
LEONATO	No? Come, brother; away! I will be heard.
ANTONIO	And shall, or some of us will smart for it.
	Exeunt LEONATO and ANTONIO
DON PEDRO	See, see; here comes the man we went to seek.	120
	Enter BENEDICK
CLAUDIO	Now, signior, what news?
BENEDICK	Good day, my lord.
DON PEDRO	Welcome, signior: you are almost come to part
	almost a fray.
CLAUDIO	We had like to have had our two noses snapped off	125
	with two old men without teeth.
DON PEDRO	Leonato and his brother. What thinkest thou? Had
	we fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.
BENEDICK	In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came
	to seek you both.	130
CLAUDIO	We have been up and down to seek thee; for we are
	high-proof melancholy and would fain have it beaten
	away. Wilt thou use thy wit?
BENEDICK	It is in my scabbard: shall I draw it?
DON PEDRO	Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?	135
CLAUDIO	Never any did so, though very many have been beside
	their wit. I will bid thee draw, as we do the
	minstrels; draw, to pleasure us.
DON PEDRO	As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Art thou
	sick, or angry?	140
CLAUDIO	What, courage, man! What though care killed a cat,
	thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.
BENEDICK	Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, and you
	charge it against me. I pray you choose another subject.
CLAUDIO	Nay, then, give him another staff: this last was	145
	broke cross.
DON PEDRO	By this light, he changes more and more: I think
	he be angry indeed.
CLAUDIO	If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.
BENEDICK	Shall I speak a word in your ear?	150
CLAUDIO	God bless me from a challenge!
BENEDICK	Aside to CLAUDIO
	I will make it good how you dare, with what you
	dare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I will
	protest your cowardice. You have killed a sweet
	lady, and her death shall fall heavy on you. Let me	155
	hear from you.
CLAUDIO	Well, I will meet you, so I may have good cheer.
DON PEDRO	What, a feast, a feast?
CLAUDIO	I' faith, I thank him; he hath bid me to a calf's
	head and a capon; the which if I do not carve most	160
	curiously, say my knife's naught. Shall I not find
	a woodcock too?
BENEDICK	Sir, your wit ambles well; it goes easily.
DON PEDRO	I'll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the
	other day. I said, thou hadst a fine wit: 'True,'	165
	said she, 'a fine little one.' 'No,' said I, 'a
	great wit:' 'Right,' says she, 'a great gross one.'
	'Nay,' said I, 'a good wit:' 'Just,' said she, 'it
	hurts nobody.' 'Nay,' said I, 'the gentleman
	is wise:' 'Certain,' said she, 'a wise gentleman.'	170
	'Nay,' said I, 'he hath the tongues:' 'That I
	believe,' said she, 'for he swore a thing to me on
	Monday night, which he forswore on Tuesday morning;
	there's a double tongue; there's two tongues.' Thus
	did she, an hour together, transshape thy particular	175
	virtues: yet at last she concluded with a sigh, thou
	wast the properest man in Italy.
CLAUDIO	For the which she wept heartily and said she cared
	not.
DON PEDRO	Yea, that she did: but yet, for all that, an if she	180
	did not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly:
	the old man's daughter told us all.
CLAUDIO	All, all; and, moreover, God saw him when he was
	hid in the garden.
DON PEDRO	But when shall we set the savage bull's horns on	185
	the sensible Benedick's head?
CLAUDIO	Yea, and text underneath, 'Here dwells Benedick the
	married man'?
BENEDICK	Fare you well, boy: you know my mind. I will leave
	you now to your gossip-like humour: you break jests	190
	as braggarts do their blades, which God be thanked,
	hurt not. My lord, for your many courtesies I thank
	you: I must discontinue your company: your brother
	the bastard is fled from Messina: you have among
	you killed a sweet and innocent lady. For my Lord	195
	Lackbeard there, he and I shall meet: and, till
	then, peace be with him.
	Exit
DON PEDRO	He is in earnest.
CLAUDIO	In most profound earnest; and, I'll warrant you, for
	the love of Beatrice.	200
DON PEDRO	And hath challenged thee.
CLAUDIO	Most sincerely.
DON PEDRO	What a pretty thing man is when he goes in his
	doublet and hose and leaves off his wit!
CLAUDIO	He is then a giant to an ape; but then is an ape a	205
	doctor to such a man.
DON PEDRO	But, soft you, let me be: pluck up, my heart, and
	be sad. Did he not say, my brother was fled?
	Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and the Watch, with CONRADEand BORACHIO
DOGBERRY	Come you, sir: if justice cannot tame you, she
	shall ne'er weigh more reasons in her balance: nay,	210
	an you be a cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to.
DON PEDRO	How now? two of my brother's men bound! Borachio
	one!
CLAUDIO	Hearken after their offence, my lord.
DON PEDRO	Officers, what offence have these men done?	215
DOGBERRY	Marry, sir, they have committed false report;
	moreover, they have spoken untruths; secondarily,
	they are slanders; sixth and lastly, they have
	belied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjust
	things; and, to conclude, they are lying knaves.	220
DON PEDRO	First, I ask thee what they have done; thirdly, I
	ask thee what's their offence; sixth and lastly, why
	they are committed; and, to conclude, what you lay
	to their charge.
CLAUDIO	Rightly reasoned, and in his own division: and, by	225
	my troth, there's one meaning well suited.
DON PEDRO	Who have you offended, masters, that you are thus
	bound to your answer? this learned constable is
	too cunning to be understood: what's your offence?
BORACHIO	Sweet prince, let me go no farther to mine answer:	230
	do you hear me, and let this count kill me. I have
	deceived even your very eyes: what your wisdoms
	could not discover, these shallow fools have brought
	to light: who in the night overheard me confessing
	to this man how Don John your brother incensed me	235
	to slander the Lady Hero, how you were brought into
	the orchard and saw me court Margaret in Hero's
	garments, how you disgraced her, when you should
	marry her: my villany they have upon record; which
	I had rather seal with my death than repeat over	240
	to my shame. The lady is dead upon mine and my
	master's false accusation; and, briefly, I desire
	nothing but the reward of a villain.
DON PEDRO	Runs not this speech like iron through your blood?
CLAUDIO	I have drunk poison whiles he utter'd it.	245
DON PEDRO	But did my brother set thee on to this?
BORACHIO	Yea, and paid me richly for the practise of it.
DON PEDRO	He is composed and framed of treachery:
	And fled he is upon this villany.
CLAUDIO	Sweet Hero! now thy image doth appear	250
	In the rare semblance that I loved it first.
DOGBERRY	Come, bring away the plaintiffs: by this time our
	sexton hath reformed Signior Leonato of the matter:
	and, masters, do not forget to specify, when time
	and place shall serve, that I am an ass.	255
VERGES	Here, here comes master Signior Leonato, and the
	Sexton too.
	Re-enter LEONATO and ANTONIO, with the Sexton
LEONATO	Which is the villain? let me see his eyes,
	That, when I note another man like him,
	I may avoid him: which of these is he?	260
BORACHIO	If you would know your wronger, look on me.
LEONATO	Art thou the slave that with thy breath hast kill'd
	Mine innocent child?
BORACHIO	Yea, even I alone.
LEONATO	No, not so, villain; thou beliest thyself:	265
	Here stand a pair of honourable men;
	A third is fled, that had a hand in it.
	I thank you, princes, for my daughter's death:
	Record it with your high and worthy deeds:
	'Twas bravely done, if you bethink you of it.	270
CLAUDIO	I know not how to pray your patience;
	Yet I must speak. Choose your revenge yourself;
	Impose me to what penance your invention
	Can lay upon my sin: yet sinn'd I not
	But in mistaking.	275
DON PEDRO	By my soul, nor I:
	And yet, to satisfy this good old man,
	I would bend under any heavy weight
	That he'll enjoin me to.
LEONATO	I cannot bid you bid my daughter live;	280
	That were impossible: but, I pray you both,
	Possess the people in Messina here
	How innocent she died; and if your love
	Can labour ought in sad invention,
	Hang her an epitaph upon her tomb	285
	And sing it to her bones, sing it to-night:
	To-morrow morning come you to my house,
	And since you could not be my son-in-law,
	Be yet my nephew: my brother hath a daughter,
	Almost the copy of my child that's dead,	290
	And she alone is heir to both of us:
	Give her the right you should have given her cousin,
	And so dies my revenge.
CLAUDIO	O noble sir,
	Your over-kindness doth wring tears from me!	295
	I do embrace your offer; and dispose
	For henceforth of poor Claudio.
LEONATO	To-morrow then I will expect your coming;
	To-night I take my leave. This naughty man
	Shall face to face be brought to Margaret,	300
	Who I believe was pack'd in all this wrong,
	Hired to it by your brother.
BORACHIO	No, by my soul, she was not,
	Nor knew not what she did when she spoke to me,
	But always hath been just and virtuous	305
	In any thing that I do know by her.
DOGBERRY	Moreover, sir, which indeed is not under white and
	black, this plaintiff here, the offender, did call
	me ass: I beseech you, let it be remembered in his
	punishment. And also, the watch heard them talk of	310
	one Deformed: they say be wears a key in his ear and
	a lock hanging by it, and borrows money in God's
	name, the which he hath used so long and never paid
	that now men grow hard-hearted and will lend nothing
	for God's sake: pray you, examine him upon that point.	315
LEONATO	I thank thee for thy care and honest pains.
DOGBERRY	Your worship speaks like a most thankful and
	reverend youth; and I praise God for you.
LEONATO	There's for thy pains.
DOGBERRY	God save the foundation!	320
LEONATO	Go, I discharge thee of thy prisoner, and I thank thee.
DOGBERRY	I leave an arrant knave with your worship; which I
	beseech your worship to correct yourself, for the
	example of others. God keep your worship! I wish
	your worship well; God restore you to health! I	325
	humbly give you leave to depart; and if a merry
	meeting may be wished, God prohibit it! Come, neighbour.
	Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES
LEONATO	Until to-morrow morning, lords, farewell.
ANTONIO	Farewell, my lords: we look for you to-morrow.
DON PEDRO	We will not fail.	330
CLAUDIO	To-night I'll mourn with Hero.
LEONATO	To the Watch
	talk with Margaret,
	How her acquaintance grew with this lewd fellow.
	Exeunt, severally