Much Ado About Nothing

Much Ado About Nothing

ACT II SCENE I	A hall in LEONATO'S house.
	Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and others
LEONATO	Was not Count John here at supper?
ANTONIO	I saw him not.
BEATRICE	How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can see
	him but I am heart-burned an hour after.	5
HERO	He is of a very melancholy disposition.
BEATRICE	He were an excellent man that were made just in the
	midway between him and Benedick: the one is too
	like an image and says nothing, and the other too
	like my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling.	10
LEONATO	Then half Signior Benedick's tongue in Count John's
	mouth, and half Count John's melancholy in Signior
	Benedick's face,--
BEATRICE	With a good leg and a good foot, uncle, and money
	enough in his purse, such a man would win any woman	15
	in the world, if a' could get her good-will.
LEONATO	By my troth, niece, thou wilt never get thee a
	husband, if thou be so shrewd of thy tongue.
ANTONIO	In faith, she's too curst.
BEATRICE	Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God's	20
	sending that way; for it is said, 'God sends a curst
	cow short horns;' but to a cow too curst he sends none.
LEONATO	So, by being too curst, God will send you no horns.
BEATRICE	Just, if he send me no husband; for the which
	blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and	25
	evening. Lord, I could not endure a husband with a
	beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.
LEONATO	You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
BEATRICE	What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel
	and make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a	30
	beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no
	beard is less than a man: and he that is more than
	a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a
	man, I am not for him: therefore, I will even take
	sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his	35
	apes into hell.
LEONATO	Well, then, go you into hell?
BEATRICE	No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meet
	me, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, and
	say 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you to	40
	heaven; here's no place for you maids:' so deliver
	I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the
	heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and
	there live we as merry as the day is long.
ANTONIO	To HERO
	by your father.	45
BEATRICE	Yes, faith; it is my cousin's duty to make curtsy
	and say 'Father, as it please you.' But yet for all
	that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else
	make another curtsy and say 'Father, as it please
	me.'	50
LEONATO	Well, niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.
BEATRICE	Not till God make men of some other metal than
	earth. Would it not grieve a woman to be
	overmastered with a pierce of valiant dust? to make
	an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl?	55
	No, uncle, I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren;
	and, truly, I hold it a sin to match in my kindred.
LEONATO	Daughter, remember what I told you: if the prince
	do solicit you in that kind, you know your answer.
BEATRICE	The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be	60
	not wooed in good time: if the prince be too
	important, tell him there is measure in every thing
	and so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero:
	wooing, wedding, and repenting, is as a Scotch jig,
	a measure, and a cinque pace: the first suit is hot	65
	and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full as
	fantastical; the wedding, mannerly-modest, as a
	measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes
	repentance and, with his bad legs, falls into the
	cinque pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.	70
LEONATO	Cousin, you apprehend passing shrewdly.
BEATRICE	I have a good eye, uncle; I can see a church by daylight.
LEONATO	The revellers are entering, brother: make good room.
	All put on their masks
	Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHASAR,DON JOHN, BORACHIO, MARGARET, URSULA and others, masked
DON PEDRO	Lady, will you walk about with your friend?
HERO	So you walk softly and look sweetly and say nothing,	75
	I am yours for the walk; and especially when I walk away.
DON PEDRO	With me in your company?
HERO	I may say so, when I please.
DON PEDRO	And when please you to say so?
HERO	When I like your favour; for God defend the lute	80
	should be like the case!
DON PEDRO	My visor is Philemon's roof; within the house is Jove.
HERO	Why, then, your visor should be thatched.
DON PEDRO	Speak low, if you speak love.
	Drawing her aside
BALTHASAR	Well, I would you did like me.	85
MARGARET	So would not I, for your own sake; for I have many
	ill-qualities.
BALTHASAR	Which is one?
MARGARET	I say my prayers aloud.
BALTHASAR	I love you the better: the hearers may cry, Amen.	90
MARGARET	God match me with a good dancer!
BALTHASAR	Amen.
MARGARET	And God keep him out of my sight when the dance is
	done! Answer, clerk.
BALTHASAR	No more words: the clerk is answered.	95
URSULA	I know you well enough; you are Signior Antonio.
ANTONIO	At a word, I am not.
URSULA	I know you by the waggling of your head.
ANTONIO	To tell you true, I counterfeit him.
URSULA	You could never do him so ill-well, unless you were	100
	the very man. Here's his dry hand up and down: you
	are he, you are he.
ANTONIO	At a word, I am not.
URSULA	Come, come, do you think I do not know you by your
	excellent wit? can virtue hide itself? Go to,	105
	mum, you are he: graces will appear, and there's an
	end.
BEATRICE	Will you not tell me who told you so?
BENEDICK	No, you shall pardon me.
BEATRICE	Nor will you not tell me who you are?	110
BENEDICK	Not now.
BEATRICE	That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit
	out of the 'Hundred Merry Tales:'--well this was
	Signior Benedick that said so.
BENEDICK	What's he?	115
BEATRICE	I am sure you know him well enough.
BENEDICK	Not I, believe me.
BEATRICE	Did he never make you laugh?
BENEDICK	I pray you, what is he?
BEATRICE	Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool;	120
	only his gift is in devising impossible slanders:
	none but libertines delight in him; and the
	commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany;
	for he both pleases men and angers them, and then
	they laugh at him and beat him. I am sure he is in	125
	the fleet: I would he had boarded me.
BENEDICK	When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.
BEATRICE	Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me;
	which, peradventure not marked or not laughed at,
	strikes him into melancholy; and then there's a	130
	partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no
	supper that night.
	Music
	We must follow the leaders.
BENEDICK	In every good thing.
BEATRICE	Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at	135
	the next turning.
	Dance. Then exeunt all except DON JOHN, BORACHIO,and CLAUDIO
DON JOHN	Sure my brother is amorous on Hero and hath
	withdrawn her father to break with him about it.
	The ladies follow her and but one visor remains.
BORACHIO	And that is Claudio: I know him by his bearing.	140
DON JOHN	Are not you Signior Benedick?
CLAUDIO	You know me well; I am he.
DON JOHN	Signior, you are very near my brother in his love:
	he is enamoured on Hero; I pray you, dissuade him
	from her: she is no equal for his birth: you may	145
	do the part of an honest man in it.
CLAUDIO	How know you he loves her?
DON JOHN	I heard him swear his affection.
BORACHIO	So did I too; and he swore he would marry her to-night.
DON JOHN	Come, let us to the banquet.	150
	Exeunt DON JOHN and BORACHIO
CLAUDIO	Thus answer I in the name of Benedick,
	But hear these ill news with the ears of Claudio.
	'Tis certain so; the prince wooes for himself.
	Friendship is constant in all other things
	Save in the office and affairs of love:	155
	Therefore, all hearts in love use their own tongues;
	Let every eye negotiate for itself
	And trust no agent; for beauty is a witch
	Against whose charms faith melteth into blood.
	This is an accident of hourly proof,	160
	Which I mistrusted not. Farewell, therefore, Hero!
	Re-enter BENEDICK
BENEDICK	Count Claudio?
CLAUDIO	Yea, the same.
BENEDICK	Come, will you go with me?
CLAUDIO	Whither?	165
BENEDICK	Even to the next willow, about your own business,
	county. What fashion will you wear the garland of?
	about your neck, like an usurer's chain? or under
	your arm, like a lieutenant's scarf? You must wear
	it one way, for the prince hath got your Hero.	170
CLAUDIO	I wish him joy of her.
BENEDICK	Why, that's spoken like an honest drovier: so they
	sell bullocks. But did you think the prince would
	have served you thus?
CLAUDIO	I pray you, leave me.	175
BENEDICK	Ho! now you strike like the blind man: 'twas the
	boy that stole your meat, and you'll beat the post.
CLAUDIO	If it will not be, I'll leave you.
	Exit
BENEDICK	Alas, poor hurt fowl! now will he creep into sedges.
	But that my Lady Beatrice should know me, and not	180
	know me! The prince's fool! Ha? It may be I go
	under that title because I am merry. Yea, but so I
	am apt to do myself wrong; I am not so reputed: it
	is the base, though bitter, disposition of Beatrice
	that puts the world into her person and so gives me	185
	out. Well, I'll be revenged as I may.
	Re-enter DON PEDRO
DON PEDRO	Now, signior, where's the count? did you see him?
BENEDICK	Troth, my lord, I have played the part of Lady Fame.
	I found him here as melancholy as a lodge in a
	warren: I told him, and I think I told him true,	190
	that your grace had got the good will of this young
	lady; and I offered him my company to a willow-tree,
	either to make him a garland, as being forsaken, or
	to bind him up a rod, as being worthy to be whipped.
DON PEDRO	To be whipped! What's his fault?	195
BENEDICK	The flat transgression of a schoolboy, who, being
	overjoyed with finding a birds' nest, shows it his
	companion, and he steals it.
DON PEDRO	Wilt thou make a trust a transgression? The
	transgression is in the stealer.	200
BENEDICK	Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made,
	and the garland too; for the garland he might have
	worn himself, and the rod he might have bestowed on
	you, who, as I take it, have stolen his birds' nest.
DON PEDRO	I will but teach them to sing, and restore them to	205
	the owner.
BENEDICK	If their singing answer your saying, by my faith,
	you say honestly.
DON PEDRO	The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you: the
	gentleman that danced with her told her she is much	210
	wronged by you.
BENEDICK	O, she misused me past the endurance of a block!
	an oak but with one green leaf on it would have
	answered her; my very visor began to assume life and
	scold with her. She told me, not thinking I had been	215
	myself, that I was the prince's jester, that I was
	duller than a great thaw; huddling jest upon jest
	with such impossible conveyance upon me that I stood
	like a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at
	me. She speaks poniards, and every word stabs:	220
	if her breath were as terrible as her terminations,
	there were no living near her; she would infect to
	the north star. I would not marry her, though she
	were endowed with all that Adam bad left him before
	he transgressed: she would have made Hercules have	225
	turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to make
	the fire too. Come, talk not of her: you shall find
	her the infernal Ate in good apparel. I would to God
	some scholar would conjure her; for certainly, while
	she is here, a man may live as quiet in hell as in a	230
	sanctuary; and people sin upon purpose, because they
	would go thither; so, indeed, all disquiet, horror
	and perturbation follows her.
DON PEDRO	Look, here she comes.
	Enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO
BENEDICK	Will your grace command me any service to the	235
	world's end? I will go on the slightest errand now
	to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on;
	I will fetch you a tooth-picker now from the
	furthest inch of Asia, bring you the length of
	Prester John's foot, fetch you a hair off the great	240
	Cham's beard, do you any embassage to the Pigmies,
	rather than hold three words' conference with this
	harpy. You have no employment for me?
DON PEDRO	None, but to desire your good company.
BENEDICK	O God, sir, here's a dish I love not: I cannot	245
	endure my Lady Tongue.
	Exit
DON PEDRO	Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of
	Signior Benedick.
BEATRICE	Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gave
	him use for it, a double heart for his single one:	250
	marry, once before he won it of me with false dice,
	therefore your grace may well say I have lost it.
DON PEDRO	You have put him down, lady, you have put him down.
BEATRICE	So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I
	should prove the mother of fools. I have brought	255
	Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.
DON PEDRO	Why, how now, count! wherefore are you sad?
CLAUDIO	Not sad, my lord.
DON PEDRO	How then? sick?
CLAUDIO	Neither, my lord.	260
BEATRICE	The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor
	well; but civil count, civil as an orange, and
	something of that jealous complexion.
DON PEDRO	I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true;
	though, I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is	265
	false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and
	fair Hero is won: I have broke with her father,
	and his good will obtained: name the day of
	marriage, and God give thee joy!
LEONATO	Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my	270
	fortunes: his grace hath made the match, and an
	grace say Amen to it.
BEATRICE	Speak, count, 'tis your cue.
CLAUDIO	Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I were
	but little happy, if I could say how much. Lady, as	275
	you are mine, I am yours: I give away myself for
	you and dote upon the exchange.
BEATRICE	Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth
	with a kiss, and let not him speak neither.
DON PEDRO	In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.	280
BEATRICE	Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on
	the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his
	ear that he is in her heart.
CLAUDIO	And so she doth, cousin.
BEATRICE	Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the	285
	world but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in a
	corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!
DON PEDRO	Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
BEATRICE	I would rather have one of your father's getting.
	Hath your grace ne'er a brother like you? Your	290
	father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.
DON PEDRO	Will you have me, lady?
BEATRICE	No, my lord, unless I might have another for
	working-days: your grace is too costly to wear
	every day. But, I beseech your grace, pardon me: I	295
	was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
DON PEDRO	Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best
	becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in
	a merry hour.
BEATRICE	No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there	300
	was a star danced, and under that was I born.
	Cousins, God give you joy!
LEONATO	Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
BEATRICE	I cry you mercy, uncle. By your grace's pardon.
	Exit
DON PEDRO	By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.	305
LEONATO	There's little of the melancholy element in her, my
	lord: she is never sad but when she sleeps, and
	not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say,
	she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and waked
	herself with laughing.	310
DON PEDRO	She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.
LEONATO	O, by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit.
DON PEDRO	She were an excellent wife for Benedict.
LEONATO	O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married,
	they would talk themselves mad.	315
DON PEDRO	County Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
CLAUDIO	To-morrow, my lord: time goes on crutches till love
	have all his rites.
LEONATO	Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just
	seven-night; and a time too brief, too, to have all	320
	things answer my mind.
DON PEDRO	Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing:
	but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go
	dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of
	Hercules' labours; which is, to bring Signior	325
	Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of
	affection the one with the other. I would fain have
	it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if
	you three will but minister such assistance as I
	shall give you direction.	330
LEONATO	My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten
	nights' watchings.
CLAUDIO	And I, my lord.
DON PEDRO	And you too, gentle Hero?
HERO	I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my	335
	cousin to a good husband.
DON PEDRO	And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that
	I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble
	strain, of approved valour and confirmed honesty. I
	will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she	340
	shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your
	two helps, will so practise on Benedick that, in
	despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he
	shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this,
	Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be	345
	ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me,
	and I will tell you my drift.
	Exeunt