All's Well that Ends Well

All's Well that Ends Well

ACT II SCENE II	Rousillon. The COUNT's palace.
	Enter COUNTESS and Clown
COUNTESS	Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of
	your breeding.
Clown	I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I
	know my business is but to the court.	5
COUNTESS	To the court! why, what place make you special,
	when you put off that with such contempt? But to the court!
Clown	Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he
	may easily put it off at court: he that cannot make
	a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand and say nothing,	10
	has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed
	such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the
	court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all
	men.
COUNTESS	Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all	15
	questions.
Clown	It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks,
	the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn
	buttock, or any buttock.
COUNTESS	Will your answer serve fit to all questions?	20
Clown	As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
	as your French crown for your taffeta punk, as Tib's
	rush for Tom's forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove
	Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to his
	hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding queen	25
	to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the
	friar's mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.
COUNTESS	Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all
	questions?
Clown	From below your duke to beneath your constable, it	30
	will fit any question.
COUNTESS	It must be an answer of most monstrous size that
	must fit all demands.
Clown	But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
	should speak truth of it: here it is, and all that	35
	belongs to't. Ask me if I am a courtier: it shall
	do you no harm to learn.
COUNTESS	To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in
	question, hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I
	pray you, sir, are you a courtier?	40
Clown	O Lord, sir! There's a simple putting off. More,
	more, a hundred of them.
COUNTESS	Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.
Clown	O Lord, sir! Thick, thick, spare not me.
COUNTESS	I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.	45
Clown	O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.
COUNTESS	You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
Clown	O Lord, sir! spare not me.
COUNTESS	Do you cry, 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and
	'spare not me?' Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very	50
	sequent to your whipping: you would answer very well
	to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.
Clown	I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my 'O Lord,
	sir!' I see things may serve long, but not serve ever.
COUNTESS	I play the noble housewife with the time	55
	To entertain't so merrily with a fool.
Clown	O Lord, sir! why, there't serves well again.
COUNTESS	An end, sir; to your business. Give Helen this,
	And urge her to a present answer back:
	Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:	60
	This is not much.
Clown	Not much commendation to them.
COUNTESS	Not much employment for you: you understand me?
Clown	Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.
COUNTESS	Haste you again.	65
	Exeunt severally