King Henry IV, Part II

King Henry IV, Part II

ACT II SCENE I	London. A street.
	Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, FANG and his Boy with her,and SNARE following
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Master Fang, have you entered the action?
FANG	It is entered.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman? will a'
	stand to 't?	5
FANG	Sirrah, where's Snare?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.
SNARE	Here, here.
FANG	Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Yea, good Master Snare; I have entered him and all.	10
SNARE	It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabbed me in
	mine own house, and that most beastly: in good
	faith, he cares not what mischief he does. If his
	weapon be out: he will foin like any devil; he will	15
	spare neither man, woman, nor child.
FANG	If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow.
FANG	An I but fist him once; an a' come but within my vice,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY	I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an	20
	infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang,
	hold him sure: good Master Snare, let him not
	'scape. A' comes continuantly to Pie-corner--saving
	your manhoods--to buy a saddle; and he is indited to
	dinner to the Lubber's-head in Lumbert street, to	25
	Master Smooth's the silkman: I pray ye, since my
	exion is entered and my case so openly known to the
	world, let him be brought in to his answer. A
	hundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to
	bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne, and	30
	have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed
	off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame
	to be thought on. There is no honesty in such
	dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass and a
	beast, to bear every knave's wrong. Yonder he	35
	comes; and that errant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph,
	with him. Do your offices, do your offices: Master
	Fang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me your offices.
	Enter FALSTAFF, Page, and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF	How now! whose mare's dead? what's the matter?
FANG	Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.	40
FALSTAFF	Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph: cut me off the
	villain's head: throw the quean in the channel.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the
	channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly
	rogue! Murder, murder! Ah, thou honeysuckle	45
	villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and the
	king's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a
	honey-seed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.
FALSTAFF	Keep them off, Bardolph.
FANG	A rescue! a rescue!	50
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wo't, wo't
	thou? Thou wo't, wo't ta? do, do, thou rogue! do,
	thou hemp-seed!
FALSTAFF	Away, you scullion! you rampallion! You
	fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.	55
	Enter the Lord Chief-Justice, and his men
Lord Chief-Justice	What is the matter? keep the peace here, ho!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to me.
Lord Chief-Justice	How now, Sir John! what are you brawling here?
	Doth this become your place, your time and business?
	You should have been well on your way to York.	60
	Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st upon him?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	O most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I am
	a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
Lord Chief-Justice	For what sum?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all,	65
	all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home;
	he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of
	his: but I will have some of it out again, or I
	will ride thee o' nights like the mare.
FALSTAFF	I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have	70
	any vantage of ground to get up.
Lord Chief-Justice	How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man of good
	temper would endure this tempest of exclamation?
	Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so
	rough a course to come by her own?	75
FALSTAFF	What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the
	money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a
	parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber,
	at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon	80
	Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the prince broke
	thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of
	Windsor, thou didst swear to me then, as I was
	washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my lady
	thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife	85
	Keech, the butcher's wife, come in then and call me
	gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of
	vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of prawns;
	whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I
	told thee they were ill for a green wound? And	90
	didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs,
	desire me to be no more so familiarity with such
	poor people; saying that ere long they should call
	me madam? And didst thou not kiss me and bid me
	fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy	95
	book-oath: deny it, if thou canst.
FALSTAFF	My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says up
	and down the town that the eldest son is like you:
	she hath been in good case, and the truth is,
	poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish	100
	officers, I beseech you I may have redress against them.
Lord Chief-Justice	Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your
	manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It
	is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words
	that come with such more than impudent sauciness	105
	from you, can thrust me from a level consideration:
	you have, as it appears to me, practised upon the
	easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her
	serve your uses both in purse and in person.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Yea, in truth, my lord.	110
Lord Chief-Justice	Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her, and
	unpay the villany you have done her: the one you
	may do with sterling money, and the other with
	current repentance.
FALSTAFF	My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without	115
	reply. You call honourable boldness impudent
	sauciness: if a man will make courtesy and say
	nothing, he is virtuous: no, my lord, my humble
	duty remembered, I will not be your suitor. I say
	to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers,	120
	being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs.
Lord Chief-Justice	You speak as having power to do wrong: but answer
	in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy this
	poor woman.
FALSTAFF	Come hither, hostess.	125
	Enter GOWER
Lord Chief-Justice	Now, Master Gower, what news?
GOWER	The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
	Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
FALSTAFF	As I am a gentleman.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Faith, you said so before.	130
FALSTAFF	As I am a gentleman. Come, no more words of it.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain
	to pawn both my plate and the tapestry of my
	dining-chambers.
FALSTAFF	Glasses, glasses is the only drinking: and for thy	135
	walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of
	the Prodigal, or the German hunting in water-work,
	is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings and these
	fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou
	canst. Come, an 'twere not for thy humours, there's	140
	not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face,
	and draw the action. Come, thou must not be in
	this humour with me; dost not know me? come, come, I
	know thou wast set on to this.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles: i'	145
	faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me,
	la!
FALSTAFF	Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be a
	fool still.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. I	150
	hope you'll come to supper. You'll pay me all together?
FALSTAFF	Will I live?
	To BARDOLPH
	Go, with her, with her; hook on, hook on.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?
FALSTAFF	No more words; let's have her.	155
	Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY, BARDOLPH, Officers and Boy
Lord Chief-Justice	I have heard better news.
FALSTAFF	What's the news, my lord?
Lord Chief-Justice	Where lay the king last night?
GOWER	At Basingstoke, my lord.
FALSTAFF	I hope, my lord, all's well: what is the news, my lord?	160
Lord Chief-Justice	Come all his forces back?
GOWER	No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
	Are marched up to my lord of Lancaster,
	Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.
FALSTAFF	Comes the king back from Wales, my noble lord?	165
Lord Chief-Justice	You shall have letters of me presently:
	Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
FALSTAFF	My lord!
Lord Chief-Justice	What's the matter?
FALSTAFF	Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?	170
GOWER	I must wait upon my good lord here; I thank you,
	good Sir John.
Lord Chief-Justice	Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to
	take soldiers up in counties as you go.
FALSTAFF	Will you sup with me, Master Gower?	175
Lord Chief-Justice	What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?
FALSTAFF	Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool
	that taught them me. This is the right fencing
	grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair.
Lord Chief-Justice	Now the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great fool.	180
	Exeunt