| ACT II SCENE V | The same. A street. | |
| | Enter SPEED and LAUNCE severally | |
| SPEED | Launce! by mine honesty, welcome to Milan! | |
| LAUNCE | Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not | |
| | welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never | |
| | undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a | 5 |
| | place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess | |
| | say 'Welcome!' | |
| SPEED | Come on, you madcap, I'll to the alehouse with you | |
| | presently; where, for one shot of five pence, thou | |
| | shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how | 10 |
| | did thy master part with Madam Julia? | |
| LAUNCE | Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very | |
| | fairly in jest. | |
| SPEED | But shall she marry him? | |
| LAUNCE | No. | 15 |
| SPEED | How then? shall he marry her? | |
| LAUNCE | No, neither. | |
| SPEED | What, are they broken? | |
| LAUNCE | No, they are both as whole as a fish. | |
| SPEED | Why, then, how stands the matter with them? | 20 |
| LAUNCE | Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it | |
| | stands well with her. | |
| SPEED | What an ass art thou! I understand thee not. | |
| LAUNCE | What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My | |
| | staff understands me. | 25 |
| SPEED | What thou sayest? | |
| LAUNCE | Ay, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean, | |
| | and my staff understands me. | |
| SPEED | It stands under thee, indeed. | |
| LAUNCE | Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one. | 30 |
| SPEED | But tell me true, will't be a match? | |
| LAUNCE | Ask my dog: if he say ay, it will! if he say no, | |
| | it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will. | |
| SPEED | The conclusion is then that it will. | |
| LAUNCE | Thou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable. | 35 |
| SPEED | 'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how sayest | |
| | thou, that my master is become a notable lover? | |
| LAUNCE | I never knew him otherwise. | |
| SPEED | Than how? | |
| LAUNCE | A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be. | 40 |
| SPEED | Why, thou whoreson ass, thou mistakest me. | |
| LAUNCE | Why, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master. | |
| SPEED | I tell thee, my master is become a hot lover. | |
| LAUNCE | Why, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself | |
| | in love. If thou wilt, go with me to the alehouse; | 45 |
| | if not, thou art an Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the | |
| | name of a Christian. | |
| SPEED | Why? | |
| LAUNCE | Because thou hast not so much charity in thee as to | |
| | go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go? | 50 |
| SPEED | At thy service. | |
| | Exeunt | |
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