Twelfth Night

Twelfth Night

ACT I SCENE III	OLIVIA'S house.
	Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH	What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
	her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
MARIA	By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
	nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great	5
	exceptions to your ill hours.
SIR TOBY BELCH	Why, let her except, before excepted.
MARIA	Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
	limits of order.
SIR TOBY BELCH	Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:	10
	these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
	these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
	themselves in their own straps.
MARIA	That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
	my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish	15
	knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
SIR TOBY BELCH	Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA	Ay, he.
SIR TOBY BELCH	He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
MARIA	What's that to the purpose?	20
SIR TOBY BELCH	Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
MARIA	Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
	he's a very fool and a prodigal.
SIR TOBY BELCH	Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
	viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages	25
	word for word without book, and hath all the good
	gifts of nature.
MARIA	He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
	he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
	he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he	30
	hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
	he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
SIR TOBY BELCH	By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
	that say so of him. Who are they?
MARIA	They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.	35
SIR TOBY BELCH	With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
	her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
	drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
	that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
	o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!	40
	Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
	Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW	Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
SIR TOBY BELCH	Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW	Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA	And you too, sir.	45
SIR TOBY BELCH	Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR ANDREW	What's that?
SIR TOBY BELCH	My niece's chambermaid.
SIR ANDREW	Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
MARIA	My name is Mary, sir.	50
SIR ANDREW	Good Mistress Mary Accost,--
SIR TOBY BELCH	You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
	her, woo her, assail her.
SIR ANDREW	By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
	company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?	55
MARIA	Fare you well, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY BELCH	An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
	never draw sword again.
SIR ANDREW	An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
	draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have	60
	fools in hand?
MARIA	Sir, I have not you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW	Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
MARIA	Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
	your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.	65
SIR ANDREW	Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?
MARIA	It's dry, sir.
SIR ANDREW	Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
	keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
MARIA	A dry jest, sir.	70
SIR ANDREW	Are you full of them?
MARIA	Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
	now I let go your hand, I am barren.
	Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH	O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
	see thee so put down?	75
SIR ANDREW	Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
	put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
	than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
	great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
SIR TOBY BELCH	No question.	80
SIR ANDREW	An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
	to-morrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH	Pourquoi, my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW	What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
	bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in	85
	fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
	followed the arts!
SIR TOBY BELCH	Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW	Why, would that have mended my hair?
SIR TOBY BELCH	Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.	90
SIR ANDREW	But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
SIR TOBY BELCH	Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
	hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
	and spin it off.
SIR ANDREW	Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece	95
	will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
	she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
SIR TOBY BELCH	She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
	her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
	have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,	100
	man.
SIR ANDREW	I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
	strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
	and revels sometimes altogether.
SIR TOBY BELCH	Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?	105
SIR ANDREW	As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
	degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
	with an old man.
SIR TOBY BELCH	What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
SIR ANDREW	Faith, I can cut a caper.	110
SIR TOBY BELCH	And I can cut the mutton to't.
SIR ANDREW	And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
	as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH	Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
	these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to	115
	take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost
	thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
	a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
	so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
	dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?	120
	I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
	leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
SIR ANDREW	Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
	flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
SIR TOBY BELCH	What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?	125
SIR ANDREW	Taurus! That's sides and heart.
SIR TOBY BELCH	No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
	caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
	Exeunt