Troilus and Cressida

Troilus and Cressida

ACT II SCENE III	The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.
	Enter THERSITES, solus
THERSITES	How now, Thersites! what lost in the labyrinth of
	thy fury! Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He
	beats me, and I rail at him: O, worthy satisfaction!
	would it were otherwise; that I could beat him,	5
	whilst he railed at me. 'Sfoot, I'll learn to
	conjure and raise devils, but I'll see some issue of
	my spiteful execrations. Then there's Achilles, a
	rare enginer! If Troy be not taken till these two
	undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of	10
	themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus,
	forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods and,
	Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy
	caduceus, if ye take not that little, little less
	than little wit from them that they have! which	15
	short-armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant
	scarce, it will not in circumvention deliver a fly
	from a spider, without drawing their massy irons and
	cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the
	whole camp! or rather, the bone-ache! for that,	20
	methinks, is the curse dependent on those that war
	for a placket. I have said my prayers and devil Envy
	say Amen. What ho! my Lord Achilles!
	Enter PATROCLUS
PATROCLUS	Who's there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and rail.
THERSITES	If I could have remembered a gilt counterfeit, thou	25
	wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation: but
	it is no matter; thyself upon thyself! The common
	curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in
	great revenue! heaven bless thee from a tutor, and
	discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy	30
	direction till thy death! then if she that lays thee
	out says thou art a fair corse, I'll be sworn and
	sworn upon't she never shrouded any but lazars.
	Amen. Where's Achilles?
PATROCLUS	What, art thou devout? wast thou in prayer?	35
THERSITES	Ay: the heavens hear me!
	Enter ACHILLES
ACHILLES	Who's there?
PATROCLUS	Thersites, my lord.
ACHILLES	Where, where? Art thou come? why, my cheese, my
	digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to	40
	my table so many meals? Come, what's Agamemnon?
THERSITES	Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus,
	what's Achilles?
PATROCLUS	Thy lord, Thersites: then tell me, I pray thee,
	what's thyself?	45
THERSITES	Thy knower, Patroclus: then tell me, Patroclus,
	what art thou?
PATROCLUS	Thou mayst tell that knowest.
ACHILLES	O, tell, tell.
THERSITES	I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands	50
	Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus'
	knower, and Patroclus is a fool.
PATROCLUS	You rascal!
THERSITES	Peace, fool! I have not done.
ACHILLES	He is a privileged man. Proceed, Thersites.	55
THERSITES	Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites
	is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.
ACHILLES	Derive this; come.
THERSITES	Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles;
	Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon;	60
	Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool, and
	Patroclus is a fool positive.
PATROCLUS	Why am I a fool?
THERSITES	Make that demand of the prover. It suffices me thou
	art. Look you, who comes here?	65
ACHILLES	Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody.
	Come in with me, Thersites.
	Exit
THERSITES	Here is such patchery, such juggling and such
	knavery! all the argument is a cuckold and a
	whore; a good quarrel to draw emulous factions	70
	and bleed to death upon. Now, the dry serpigo on
	the subject! and war and lechery confound all!
	Exit
	Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, and AJAX
AGAMEMNON	Where is Achilles?
PATROCLUS	Within his tent; but ill disposed, my lord.
AGAMEMNON	Let it be known to him that we are here.	75
	He shent our messengers; and we lay by
	Our appertainments, visiting of him:
	Let him be told so; lest perchance he think
	We dare not move the question of our place,
	Or know not what we are.	80
PATROCLUS	I shall say so to him.
	Exit
ULYSSES	We saw him at the opening of his tent:
	He is not sick.
AJAX	Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart: you may call it
	melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my	85
	head, 'tis pride: but why, why? let him show us the
	cause. A word, my lord.
	Takes AGAMEMNON aside
NESTOR	What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?
ULYSSES	Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.
NESTOR	Who, Thersites?	90
ULYSSES	He.
NESTOR	Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument.
ULYSSES	No, you see, he is his argument that has his
	argument, Achilles.
NESTOR	All the better; their fraction is more our wish than	95
	their faction: but it was a strong composure a fool
	could disunite.
ULYSSES	The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily
	untie. Here comes Patroclus.
	Re-enter PATROCLUS
NESTOR	No Achilles with him.	100
ULYSSES	The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy:
	his legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure.
PATROCLUS	Achilles bids me say, he is much sorry,
	If any thing more than your sport and pleasure
	Did move your greatness and this noble state	105
	To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
	But for your health and your digestion sake,
	And after-dinner's breath.
AGAMEMNON	Hear you, Patroclus:
	We are too well acquainted with these answers:	110
	But his evasion, wing'd thus swift with scorn,
	Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
	Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
	Why we ascribe it to him; yet all his virtues,
	Not virtuously on his own part beheld,	115
	Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss,
	Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,
	Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him,
	We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin,
	If you do say we think him over-proud	120
	And under-honest, in self-assumption greater
	Than in the note of judgment; and worthier
	than himself
	Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
	Disguise the holy strength of their command,	125
	And underwrite in an observing kind
	His humorous predominance; yea, watch
	His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if
	The passage and whole carriage of this action
	Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add,	130
	That if he overhold his price so much,
	We'll none of him; but let him, like an engine
	Not portable, lie under this report:
	'Bring action hither, this cannot go to war:
	A stirring dwarf we do allowance give	135
	Before a sleeping giant.' Tell him so.
PATROCLUS	I shall; and bring his answer presently.
	Exit
AGAMEMNON	In second voice we'll not be satisfied;
	We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.
	Exit ULYSSES
AJAX	What is he more than another?	140
AGAMEMNON	No more than what he thinks he is.
AJAX	Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a
	better man than I am?
AGAMEMNON	No question.
AJAX	Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is?	145
AGAMEMNON	No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as
	wise, no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether
	more tractable.
AJAX	Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I
	know not what pride is.	150
AGAMEMNON	Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the
	fairer. He that is proud eats up himself: pride is
	his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle;
	and whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours
	the deed in the praise.	155
AJAX	I do hate a proud man, as I hate the engendering of toads.
NESTOR	Yet he loves himself: is't not strange?
	Aside
	Re-enter ULYSSES
ULYSSES	Achilles will not to the field to-morrow.
AGAMEMNON	What's his excuse?
ULYSSES	He doth rely on none,	160
	But carries on the stream of his dispose
	Without observance or respect of any,
	In will peculiar and in self-admission.
AGAMEMNON	Why will he not upon our fair request
	Untent his person and share the air with us?	165
ULYSSES	Things small as nothing, for request's sake only,
	He makes important: possess'd he is with greatness,
	And speaks not to himself but with a pride
	That quarrels at self-breath: imagined worth
	Holds in his blood such swoln and hot discourse	170
	That 'twixt his mental and his active parts
	Kingdom'd Achilles in commotion rages
	And batters down himself: what should I say?
	He is so plaguy proud that the death-tokens of it
	Cry 'No recovery.'	175
AGAMEMNON	Let Ajax go to him.
	Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent:
	'Tis said he holds you well, and will be led
	At your request a little from himself.
ULYSSES	O Agamemnon, let it not be so!	180
	We'll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes
	When they go from Achilles: shall the proud lord
	That bastes his arrogance with his own seam
	And never suffers matter of the world
	Enter his thoughts, save such as do revolve	185
	And ruminate himself, shall he be worshipp'd
	Of that we hold an idol more than he?
	No, this thrice worthy and right valiant lord
	Must not so stale his palm, nobly acquired;
	Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit,	190
	As amply titled as Achilles is,
	By going to Achilles:
	That were to enlard his fat already pride
	And add more coals to Cancer when he burns
	With entertaining great Hyperion.	195
	This lord go to him! Jupiter forbid,
	And say in thunder 'Achilles go to him.'
NESTOR	Aside to DIOMEDES
	vein of him.
DIOMEDES	Aside to NESTOR
	this applause!
AJAX	If I go to him, with my armed fist I'll pash him o'er the face.	200
AGAMEMNON	O, no, you shall not go.
AJAX	An a' be proud with me, I'll pheeze his pride:
	Let me go to him.
ULYSSES	Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel.
AJAX	A paltry, insolent fellow!	205
NESTOR	How he describes himself!
AJAX	Can he not be sociable?
ULYSSES	The raven chides blackness.
AJAX	I'll let his humours blood.
AGAMEMNON	He will be the physician that should be the patient.	210
AJAX	An all men were o' my mind,--
ULYSSES	Wit would be out of fashion.
AJAX	A' should not bear it so, a' should eat swords first:
	shall pride carry it?
NESTOR	An 'twould, you'ld carry half.	215
ULYSSES	A' would have ten shares.
AJAX	I will knead him; I'll make him supple.
NESTOR	He's not yet through warm: force him with praises:
	pour in, pour in; his ambition is dry.
ULYSSES	To AGAMEMNON
NESTOR	Our noble general, do not do so.	220
DIOMEDES	You must prepare to fight without Achilles.
ULYSSES	Why, 'tis this naming of him does him harm.
	Here is a man--but 'tis before his face;
	I will be silent.
NESTOR	Wherefore should you so?	225
	He is not emulous, as Achilles is.
ULYSSES	Know the whole world, he is as valiant.
AJAX	A whoreson dog, that shall pelter thus with us!
	Would he were a Trojan!
NESTOR	What a vice were it in Ajax now,--	230
ULYSSES	If he were proud,--
DIOMEDES	Or covetous of praise,--
ULYSSES	Ay, or surly borne,--
DIOMEDES	Or strange, or self-affected!
ULYSSES	Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet composure;	235
	Praise him that got thee, she that gave thee suck:
	Famed be thy tutor, and thy parts of nature
	Thrice famed, beyond all erudition:
	But he that disciplined thy arms to fight,
	Let Mars divide eternity in twain,	240
	And give him half: and, for thy vigour,
	Bull-bearing Milo his addition yield
	To sinewy Ajax. I will not praise thy wisdom,
	Which, like a bourn, a pale, a shore, confines
	Thy spacious and dilated parts: here's Nestor;	245
	Instructed by the antiquary times,
	He must, he is, he cannot but be wise:
	Put pardon, father Nestor, were your days
	As green as Ajax' and your brain so temper'd,
	You should not have the eminence of him,	250
	But be as Ajax.
AJAX	Shall I call you father?
NESTOR	Ay, my good son.
DIOMEDES	Be ruled by him, Lord Ajax.
ULYSSES	There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles	255
	Keeps thicket. Please it our great general
	To call together all his state of war;
	Fresh kings are come to Troy: to-morrow
	We must with all our main of power stand fast:
	And here's a lord,--come knights from east to west,	260
	And cull their flower, Ajax shall cope the best.
AGAMEMNON	Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep:
	Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep.
	Exeunt