The Merry Wives of Windsor

The Merry Wives of Windsor

ACT IV SCENE V	A room in the Garter Inn.
	Enter Host and SIMPLE
Host	What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?
	speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
SIMPLE	Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
	from Master Slender.	5
Host	There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
	standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
	with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go
	knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian
	unto thee: knock, I say.	10
SIMPLE	There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
	chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come
	down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host	Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll
	call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from	15
	thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine
	host, thine Ephesian, calls.
FALSTAFF	Above
Host	Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of
	thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her
	descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?	20
	fie!
	Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF	There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with
	me; but she's gone.
SIMPLE	Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
	Brentford?	25
FALSTAFF	Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
SIMPLE	My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing
	her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether
	one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the
	chain or no.	30
FALSTAFF	I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE	And what says she, I pray, sir?
FALSTAFF	Marry, she says that the very same man that
	beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of
	it.	35
SIMPLE	I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;
	I had other things to have spoken with her too from
	him.
FALSTAFF	What are they? let us know.
Host	Ay, come; quick.	40
SIMPLE	I may not conceal them, sir.
Host	Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE	Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
	Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to
	have her or no.	45
FALSTAFF	'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
SIMPLE	What, sir?
FALSTAFF	To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
SIMPLE	May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF	Ay, sir; like who more bold.	50
SIMPLE	I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad
	with these tidings.
	Exit
Host	Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
	there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF	Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught	55
	me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;
	and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
	my learning.
	Enter BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH	Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host	Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.	60
BARDOLPH	Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
	beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
	them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,
	like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host	They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not	65
	say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
	Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
SIR HUGH EVANS	Where is mine host?
Host	What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH EVANS	Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
	friend of mine come to town tells me there is three	70
	cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
	Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
	money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
	are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
	'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.	75
	Exit
	Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR CAIUS	Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host	Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS	I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
	you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
	my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to	80
	come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
	Exit
Host	Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am
	undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
	Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF	I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
	been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to	85
	the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
	and how my transformation hath been washed and
	cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
	drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant
	they would whip me with their fine wits till I were	90
	as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
	since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
	wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
	Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
	Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	From the two parties, forsooth.	95
FALSTAFF	The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
	so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
	for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
	of man's disposition is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;	100
	speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
	is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a
	white spot about her.
FALSTAFF	What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
	beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;	105
	and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
	Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
	my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
	delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the
	stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.	110
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
	shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
	content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
	hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
	Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that	115
	you are so crossed.
FALSTAFF	Come up into my chamber.
	Exeunt