| ACT IV SCENE II | A room in FORD'S house. | |
| [Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD] |
| FALSTAFF | Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my |
| sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, |
| and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not |
| only, Mistress Ford, in the simple |
| office of love, but in all the accoutrement, | 5 |
| complement and ceremony of it. But are you |
| sure of your husband now? |
| MISTRESS FORD | He's a-birding, sweet Sir John. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | [Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
|
| MISTRESS FORD | Step into the chamber, Sir John. | 10 |
| [Exit FALSTAFF] |
| [Enter MISTRESS PAGE] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself? |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why, none but mine own people. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Indeed! |
| MISTRESS FORD | No, certainly. |
[Aside to her] |
| Speak louder. | 15 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: |
| he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails |
| against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's | 20 |
| daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets |
| himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer |
| out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but |
| tameness, civility and patience, to this his |
| distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here. | 25 |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why, does he talk of him? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the |
| last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests |
| to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and |
| the rest of their company from their sport, to make | 30 |
| another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad |
| the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery. |
| MISTRESS FORD | How near is he, Mistress Page? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon. |
| MISTRESS FORD | I am undone! The knight is here. | 35 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead |
| man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away |
| with him! better shame than murder. |
| FORD | Which way should be go? how should I bestow him? |
| Shall I put him into the basket again? | 40 |
| [Re-enter FALSTAFF] |
| FALSTAFF | No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go |
| out ere he come? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door |
| with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise |
| you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? | 45 |
| FALSTAFF | What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney. |
| MISTRESS FORD | There they always use to discharge their |
| birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole. |
| FALSTAFF | Where is it? |
| MISTRESS FORD | He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, | 50 |
| coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an |
| abstract for the remembrance of such places, and |
| goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house. |
| FALSTAFF | I'll go out then. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir | 55 |
| John. Unless you go out disguised-- |
| MISTRESS FORD | How might we disguise him? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown |
| big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat, |
| a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape. | 60 |
| FALSTAFF | Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather |
| than a mischief. |
| MISTRESS FORD | My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a |
| gown above. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he | 65 |
| is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler |
| too. Run up, Sir John. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will |
| look some linen for your head. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put | 70 |
| on the gown the while. |
| [Exit FALSTAFF] |
| MISTRESS FORD | I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he |
| cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears |
| she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath |
| threatened to beat her. | 75 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the |
| devil guide his cudgel afterwards! |
| MISTRESS FORD | But is my husband coming? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket |
| too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. | 80 |
| MISTRESS FORD | We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the |
| basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as |
| they did last time. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him |
| like the witch of Brentford. | 85 |
| MISTRESS FORD | I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the |
| basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight. |
| [Exit] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. |
| We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, |
| Wives may be merry, and yet honest too: | 90 |
| We do not act that often jest and laugh; |
| 'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff. |
| [Exit] |
| [Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants] |
| MISTRESS FORD | Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders: |
| your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it |
| down, obey him: quickly, dispatch. | 95 |
| [Exit] |
| First Servant | Come, come, take it up. |
| Second Servant | Pray heaven it be not full of knight again. |
| First Servant | I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead. |
| [
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and
SIR HUGH EVANS
] |
| FORD | Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any |
| way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, | 100 |
| villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! |
| O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a |
| pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil |
| be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! |
| Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching! | 105 |
| PAGE | Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go |
| loose any longer; you must be pinioned. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog! |
| SHALLOW | Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. |
| FORD | So say I too, sir. | 110 |
[Re-enter MISTRESS FORD] |
| Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest |
| woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that |
| hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect |
| without cause, mistress, do I? |
| MISTRESS FORD | Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in | 115 |
| any dishonesty. |
| FORD | Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah! |
| [Pulling clothes out of the basket] |
| PAGE | This passes! |
| MISTRESS FORD | Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone. |
| FORD | I shall find you anon. | 120 |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | 'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's |
| clothes? Come away. |
| FORD | Empty the basket, I say! |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why, man, why? |
| FORD | Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed | 125 |
| out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may |
| not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is: |
| my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. |
| Pluck me out all the linen. |
| MISTRESS FORD | If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death. | 130 |
| PAGE | Here's no man. |
| SHALLOW | By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this |
| wrongs you. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the |
| imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies. | 135 |
| FORD | Well, he's not here I seek for. |
| PAGE | No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. |
| FORD | Help to search my house this one time. If I find |
| not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let |
| me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of | 140 |
| me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow |
| walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more; |
| once more search with me. |
| MISTRESS FORD | What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman |
| down; my husband will come into the chamber. | 145 |
| FORD | Old woman! what old woman's that? |
| MISTRESS FORD | Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford. |
| FORD | A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not |
| forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does |
| she? We are simple men; we do not know what's | 150 |
| brought to pass under the profession of |
| fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, |
| by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond |
| our element we know nothing. Come down, you witch, |
| you hag, you; come down, I say! | 155 |
| MISTRESS FORD | Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him |
| not strike the old woman. |
| [
Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and
MISTRESS PAGE
] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand. |
| FORD | I'll prat her. |
[Beating him] |
| Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you | 160 |
| polecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you, |
| I'll fortune-tell you. |
| [Exit FALSTAFF] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the |
| poor woman. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you. | 165 |
| FORD | Hang her, witch! |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch |
| indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard; |
| I spy a great peard under his muffler. |
| FORD | Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow; | 170 |
| see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus |
| upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. |
| PAGE | Let's obey his humour a little further: come, |
| gentlemen. |
| [
Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and
SIR HUGH EVANS
] |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. | 175 |
| MISTRESS FORD | Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most |
| unpitifully, methought. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the |
| altar; it hath done meritorious service. |
| MISTRESS FORD | What think you? may we, with the warrant of | 180 |
| womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, |
| pursue him with any further revenge? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of |
| him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with |
| fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the | 185 |
| way of waste, attempt us again. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the |
| figures out of your husband's brains. If they can |
| find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight | 190 |
| shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be |
| the ministers. |
| MISTRESS FORD | I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and |
| methinks there would be no period to the jest, |
| should he not be publicly shamed. | 195 |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would |
| not have things cool. |
| [Exeunt] |
The Most Famous Quotations from The Merry Wives of Windsor