The Merry Wives of Windsor

The Merry Wives of Windsor

ACT III SCENE III	A room in FORD'S house.
	Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS FORD	What, John! What, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE	Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--
MISTRESS FORD	I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
	Enter Servants with a basket
MISTRESS PAGE	Come, come, come.	5
MISTRESS FORD	Here, set it down.
MISTRESS PAGE	Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
MISTRESS FORD	Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
	ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I
	suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause	10
	or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:
	that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry
	it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there
	empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
MISTRESS PAGE	You will do it?	15
MISTRESS FORD	I ha' told them over and over; they lack no
	direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
	Exeunt Servants
MISTRESS PAGE	Here comes little Robin.
	Enter ROBIN
MISTRESS FORD	How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?
ROBIN	My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,	20
	Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
MISTRESS PAGE	You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
ROBIN	Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
	being here and hath threatened to put me into
	everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he	25
	swears he'll turn me away.
MISTRESS PAGE	Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be
	a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet
	and hose. I'll go hide me.
MISTRESS FORD	Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.	30
	Exit ROBIN
	Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
MISTRESS PAGE	I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
	Exit
MISTRESS FORD	Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,
	this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know
	turtles from jays.	35
	Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF	Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let
	me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
	period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
MISTRESS FORD	O sweet Sir John!
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,	40
	Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
	thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the
	best lord; I would make thee my lady.
MISTRESS FORD	I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!
FALSTAFF	Let the court of France show me such another. I see	45
	how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast
	the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
	ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
	Venetian admittance.
MISTRESS FORD	A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing	50
	else; nor that well neither.
FALSTAFF	By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou
	wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm
	fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion
	to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see	55
	what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature
	thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
MISTRESS FORD	Believe me, there is no such thing in me.
FALSTAFF	What made me love thee? let that persuade thee
	there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I	60
	cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a
	many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like
	women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury
	in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none
	but thee; and thou deservest it.	65
MISTRESS FORD	Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.
FALSTAFF	Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
	Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek
	of a lime-kiln.
MISTRESS FORD	Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one	70
	day find it.
FALSTAFF	Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
MISTRESS FORD	Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not
	be in that mind.
ROBIN	Within
	Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and	75
	looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
FALSTAFF	She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.
MISTRESS FORD	Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.
	FALSTAFF hides himself
	Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
	What's the matter? how now!
MISTRESS PAGE	O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,	80
	you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!
MISTRESS FORD	What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE	O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man
	to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
MISTRESS FORD	What cause of suspicion?	85
MISTRESS PAGE	What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I
	mistook in you!
MISTRESS FORD	Why, alas, what's the matter?
MISTRESS PAGE	Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the
	officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that	90
	he says is here now in the house by your consent, to
	take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.
MISTRESS FORD	'Tis not so, I hope.
MISTRESS PAGE	Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man
	here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,	95
	with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a
	one. I come before to tell you. If you know
	yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you
	have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not
	amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your	100
	reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.
MISTRESS FORD	What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear
	friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his
	peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were
	out of the house.	105
MISTRESS PAGE	For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you
	had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink
	you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot
	hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here
	is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he	110
	may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as
	if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time
	--send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.
MISTRESS FORD	He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?
FALSTAFF	Coming forward
	me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's	115
	counsel. I'll in.
MISTRESS PAGE	What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?
FALSTAFF	I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
	I'll never--
	Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen
MISTRESS PAGE	Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,	120
	Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
MISTRESS FORD	What, John! Robert! John!
	Exit ROBIN
	Re-enter Servants
	Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
	cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to
	the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.	125
	Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
FORD	Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,
	why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;
	I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?
Servant	To the laundress, forsooth.
MISTRESS FORD	Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You	130
	were best meddle with buck-washing.
FORD	Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!
	Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;
	and of the season too, it shall appear.
	Exeunt Servants with the basket
	Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my	135
	dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my
	chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant
	we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.
	Locking the door
	So, now uncape.
PAGE	Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.	140
FORD	True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see
	sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
	Exit
SIR HUGH EVANS	This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
	jealous in France.	145
PAGE	Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
	Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
MISTRESS PAGE	Is there not a double excellency in this?
MISTRESS FORD	I know not which pleases me better, that my husband
	is deceived, or Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE	What a taking was he in when your husband asked who	150
	was in the basket!
MISTRESS FORD	I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so
	throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
MISTRESS PAGE	Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same
	strain were in the same distress.	155
MISTRESS FORD	I think my husband hath some special suspicion of
	Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross
	in his jealousy till now.
MISTRESS PAGE	I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have
	more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will	160
	scarce obey this medicine.
MISTRESS FORD	Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
	Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the
	water; and give him another hope, to betray him to
	another punishment?	165
MISTRESS PAGE	We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,
	eight o'clock, to have amends.
	Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, andSIR HUGH EVANS
FORD	I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that
	he could not compass.
MISTRESS PAGE	Aside to MISTRESS FORD
MISTRESS FORD	You use me well, Master Ford, do you?	170
FORD	Ay, I do so.
MISTRESS FORD	Heaven make you better than your thoughts!
FORD	Amen!
MISTRESS PAGE	You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
FORD	Ay, ay; I must bear it.	175
SIR HUGH EVANS	If there be any pody in the house, and in the
	chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
	heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.
PAGE	Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What	180
	spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I
	would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the
	wealth of Windsor Castle.
FORD	'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
SIR HUGH EVANS	You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as	185
	honest a 'omans as I will desires among five
	thousand, and five hundred too.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
FORD	Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
	the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter	190
	make known to you why I have done this. Come,
	wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;
	pray heartily, pardon me.
PAGE	Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock
	him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house	195
	to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I
	have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
FORD	Any thing.
SIR HUGH EVANS	If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
DOCTOR CAIUS	If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.	200
FORD	Pray you, go, Master Page.
SIR HUGH EVANS	I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy
	knave, mine host.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!
SIR HUGH EVANS	A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!	205
	Exeunt