| ACT I SCENE III | A room in the Garter Inn. | |
| | Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL,and ROBIN | |
| FALSTAFF | Mine host of the Garter! | |
| Host | What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely. | |
| FALSTAFF | Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my | |
| | followers. | 5 |
| Host | Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot. | |
| FALSTAFF | I sit at ten pounds a week. | |
| Host | Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I | |
| | will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall | |
| | tap: said I well, bully Hector? | 10 |
| FALSTAFF | Do so, good mine host. | |
| Host | I have spoke; let him follow. | |
| | To BARDOLPH | |
| | Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow. | |
| | Exit | |
| FALSTAFF | Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: | |
| | an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered | 15 |
| | serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. | |
| BARDOLPH | It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive. | |
| PISTOL | O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield? | |
| | Exit BARDOLPH | |
| NYM | He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited? | |
| FALSTAFF | I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his | 20 |
| | thefts were too open; his filching was like an | |
| | unskilful singer; he kept not time. | |
| NYM | The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest. | |
| PISTOL | 'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico | |
| | for the phrase! | 25 |
| FALSTAFF | Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. | |
| PISTOL | Why, then, let kibes ensue. | |
| FALSTAFF | There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift. | |
| PISTOL | Young ravens must have food. | |
| FALSTAFF | Which of you know Ford of this town? | 30 |
| PISTOL | I ken the wight: he is of substance good. | |
| FALSTAFF | My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. | |
| PISTOL | Two yards, and more. | |
| FALSTAFF | No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two | |
| | yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about | 35 |
| | thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's | |
| | wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, | |
| | she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I | |
| | can construe the action of her familiar style; and | |
| | the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished | 40 |
| | rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.' | |
| PISTOL | He hath studied her will, and translated her will, | |
| | out of honesty into English. | |
| NYM | The anchor is deep: will that humour pass? | |
| FALSTAFF | Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her | 45 |
| | husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels. | |
| PISTOL | As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I. | |
| NYM | The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels. | |
| FALSTAFF | I have writ me here a letter to her: and here | |
| | another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good | 50 |
| | eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious | |
| | oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my | |
| | foot, sometimes my portly belly. | |
| PISTOL | Then did the sun on dunghill shine. | |
| NYM | I thank thee for that humour. | 55 |
| FALSTAFF | O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a | |
| | greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did | |
| | seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's | |
| | another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she | |
| | is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will | 60 |
| | be cheater to them both, and they shall be | |
| | exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West | |
| | Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou | |
| | this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to | |
| | Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive. | 65 |
| PISTOL | Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, | |
| | And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all! | |
| NYM | I will run no base humour: here, take the | |
| | humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation. | |
| FALSTAFF | To ROBIN | |
| | Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. | 70 |
| | Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; | |
| | Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack! | |
| | Falstaff will learn the humour of the age, | |
| | French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page. | |
| | Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN | |
| PISTOL | Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, | 75 |
| | And high and low beguiles the rich and poor: | |
| | Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, | |
| | Base Phrygian Turk! | |
| NYM | I have operations which be humours of revenge. | |
| PISTOL | Wilt thou revenge? | 80 |
| NYM | By welkin and her star! | |
| PISTOL | With wit or steel? | |
| NYM | With both the humours, I: | |
| | I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. | |
| PISTOL | And I to Ford shall eke unfold | 85 |
| | How Falstaff, varlet vile, | |
| | His dove will prove, his gold will hold, | |
| | And his soft couch defile. | |
| NYM | My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to | |
| | deal with poison; I will possess him with | 90 |
| | yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: | |
| | that is my true humour. | |
| PISTOL | Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on. | |
| | Exeunt | |
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