Comedy of Errors

Comedy of Errors

ACT III SCENE I	Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus.
	Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROMIO of Ephesus,ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
	My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
	Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
	To see the making of her carcanet,	5
	And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
	But here's a villain that would face me down
	He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
	And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
	And that I did deny my wife and house.	10
	Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
	That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:
	If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
	Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.	15
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	I think thou art an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	Marry, so it doth appear
	By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
	I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,
	You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.	20
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	You're sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
	May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
BALTHAZAR	I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your
	welcome dear.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,	25
	A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHAZAR	Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.
BALTHAZAR	Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:	30
	But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
	Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
	But, soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid them let us in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	idiot, patch!	35
	Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
	Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st
	for such store,
	When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	What patch is made our porter? My master stays in	40
	the street.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	catch cold on's feet.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Who talks within there? ho, open the door!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	me wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.	45
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	when you may.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	is Dromio.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.
	The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.	50
	If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
	Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy
	name for an ass.
LUCE	Within
	at the gate?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	Let my master in, Luce.	55
LUCE	Within
	And so tell your master.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	O Lord, I must laugh!
	Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my staff?
LUCE	Within
	can you tell?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	answered him well.	60
ANTIPHOLUS	Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?
OF EPHESUSLUCE	Within
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Thou baggage, let me in.
LUCE	Within
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	Master, knock the door hard.
LUCE	Within
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.	65
LUCE	Within
ADRIANA	Within
	this noise?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	unruly boys.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Are you there, wife? you might have come before.
ADRIANA	Within
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	If you went in pain, master, this 'knave' would go sore.
ANGELO	Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would	70
	fain have either.
BALTHAZAR	In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.	75
	Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
	It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Go fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	knave's pate.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,	80
	Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
	thee, hind!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	Here's too much 'out upon thee!' I pray thee,
	let me in.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	Within
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Well, I'll break in: go borrow me a crow.	85
DROMIO OF EPHESUS	A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
	For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather;
	If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
BALTHAZAR	Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!	90
	Herein you war against your reputation
	And draw within the compass of suspect
	The unviolated honour of your wife.
	Once this,--your long experience of her wisdom,
	Her sober virtue, years and modesty,	95
	Plead on her part some cause to you unknown:
	And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
	Why at this time the doors are made against you.
	Be ruled by me: depart in patience,
	And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,	100
	And about evening come yourself alone
	To know the reason of this strange restraint.
	If by strong hand you offer to break in
	Now in the stirring passage of the day,
	A vulgar comment will be made of it,	105
	And that supposed by the common rout
	Against your yet ungalled estimation
	That may with foul intrusion enter in
	And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
	For slander lives upon succession,	110
	For ever housed where it gets possession.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet,
	And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
	I know a wench of excellent discourse,
	Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:	115
	There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
	My wife--but, I protest, without desert--
	Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
	To her will we to dinner.
	To Angelo
	Get you home	120
	And fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made:
	Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
	For there's the house: that chain will I bestow--
	Be it for nothing but to spite my wife--
	Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.	125
	Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
	I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.
ANGELO	I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.
ANTIPHOLUSOF EPHESUS	Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.
	Exeunt