As You Like It

As You Like It

ACT III SCENE II	The forest.
	Enter ORLANDO, with a paper
ORLANDO	Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:
	And thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, survey
	With thy chaste eye, from thy pale sphere above,
	Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway.	5
	O Rosalind! these trees shall be my books
	And in their barks my thoughts I'll character;
	That every eye which in this forest looks
	Shall see thy virtue witness'd every where.
	Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree	10
	The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.
	Exit
	Enter CORIN and TOUCHSTONE
CORIN	And how like you this shepherd's life, Master Touchstone?
TOUCHSTONE	Truly, shepherd, in respect of itself, it is a good
	life, but in respect that it is a shepherd's life,
	it is naught. In respect that it is solitary, I	15
	like it very well; but in respect that it is
	private, it is a very vile life. Now, in respect it
	is in the fields, it pleaseth me well; but in
	respect it is not in the court, it is tedious. As
	is it a spare life, look you, it fits my humour well;	20
	but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes much
	against my stomach. Hast any philosophy in thee, shepherd?
CORIN	No more but that I know the more one sickens the
	worse at ease he is; and that he that wants money,
	means and content is without three good friends;	25
	that the property of rain is to wet and fire to
	burn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that a
	great cause of the night is lack of the sun; that
	he that hath learned no wit by nature nor art may
	complain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred.	30
TOUCHSTONE	Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever in
	court, shepherd?
CORIN	No, truly.
TOUCHSTONE	Then thou art damned.
CORIN	Nay, I hope.	35
TOUCHSTONE	Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all
	on one side.
CORIN	For not being at court? Your reason.
TOUCHSTONE	Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest
	good manners; if thou never sawest good manners,	40
	then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is
	sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous
	state, shepherd.
CORIN	Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good manners
	at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the	45
	behavior of the country is most mockable at the
	court. You told me you salute not at the court, but
	you kiss your hands: that courtesy would be
	uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.
TOUCHSTONE	Instance, briefly; come, instance.	50
CORIN	Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their
	fells, you know, are greasy.
TOUCHSTONE	Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is not
	the grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of
	a man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.	55
CORIN	Besides, our hands are hard.
TOUCHSTONE	Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.
	A more sounder instance, come.
CORIN	And they are often tarred over with the surgery of
	our sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? The	60
	courtier's hands are perfumed with civet.
TOUCHSTONE	Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of a
	good piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, and
	perpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the
	very uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.	65
CORIN	You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest.
TOUCHSTONE	Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man!
	God make incision in thee! thou art raw.
CORIN	Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get
	that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's	70
	happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my
	harm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes
	graze and my lambs suck.
TOUCHSTONE	That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewes
	and the rams together and to offer to get your	75
	living by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to a
	bell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of a
	twelvemonth to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram,
	out of all reasonable match. If thou beest not
	damned for this, the devil himself will have no	80
	shepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst
	'scape.
CORIN	Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.
	Enter ROSALIND, with a paper, reading
ROSALIND	From the east to western Ind,
	No jewel is like Rosalind.	85
	Her worth, being mounted on the wind,
	Through all the world bears Rosalind.
	All the pictures fairest lined
	Are but black to Rosalind.
	Let no fair be kept in mind	90
	But the fair of Rosalind.
TOUCHSTONE	I'll rhyme you so eight years together, dinners and
	suppers and sleeping-hours excepted: it is the
	right butter-women's rank to market.
ROSALIND	Out, fool!	95
TOUCHSTONE	For a taste:
	If a hart do lack a hind,
	Let him seek out Rosalind.
	If the cat will after kind,
	So be sure will Rosalind.	100
	Winter garments must be lined,
	So must slender Rosalind.
	They that reap must sheaf and bind;
	Then to cart with Rosalind.
	Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,	105
	Such a nut is Rosalind.
	He that sweetest rose will find
	Must find love's prick and Rosalind.
	This is the very false gallop of verses: why do you
	infect yourself with them?	110
ROSALIND	Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.
TOUCHSTONE	Truly, the tree yields bad fruit.
ROSALIND	I'll graff it with you, and then I shall graff it
	with a medlar: then it will be the earliest fruit
	i' the country; for you'll be rotten ere you be half	115
	ripe, and that's the right virtue of the medlar.
TOUCHSTONE	You have said; but whether wisely or no, let the
	forest judge.
	Enter CELIA, with a writing
ROSALIND	Peace! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.
CELIA	Reads
	Why should this a desert be?	120
	For it is unpeopled? No:
	Tongues I'll hang on every tree,
	That shall civil sayings show:
	Some, how brief the life of man
	Runs his erring pilgrimage,	125
	That the stretching of a span
	Buckles in his sum of age;
	Some, of violated vows
	'Twixt the souls of friend and friend:
	But upon the fairest boughs,	130
	Or at every sentence end,
	Will I Rosalinda write,
	Teaching all that read to know
	The quintessence of every sprite
	Heaven would in little show.	135
	Therefore Heaven Nature charged
	That one body should be fill'd
	With all graces wide-enlarged:
	Nature presently distill'd
	Helen's cheek, but not her heart,	140
	Cleopatra's majesty,
	Atalanta's better part,
	Sad Lucretia's modesty.
	Thus Rosalind of many parts
	By heavenly synod was devised,	145
	Of many faces, eyes and hearts,
	To have the touches dearest prized.
	Heaven would that she these gifts should have,
	And I to live and die her slave.
ROSALIND	O most gentle pulpiter! what tedious homily of love	150
	have you wearied your parishioners withal, and never
	cried 'Have patience, good people!'
CELIA	How now! back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.
	Go with him, sirrah.
TOUCHSTONE	Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable retreat;	155
	though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage.
	Exeunt CORIN and TOUCHSTONE
CELIA	Didst thou hear these verses?
ROSALIND	O, yes, I heard them all, and more too; for some of
	them had in them more feet than the verses would bear.
CELIA	That's no matter: the feet might bear the verses.	160
ROSALIND	Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear
	themselves without the verse and therefore stood
	lamely in the verse.
CELIA	But didst thou hear without wondering how thy name
	should be hanged and carved upon these trees?	165
ROSALIND	I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder
	before you came; for look here what I found on a
	palm-tree. I was never so be-rhymed since
	Pythagoras' time, that I was an Irish rat, which I
	can hardly remember.	170
CELIA	Trow you who hath done this?
ROSALIND	Is it a man?
CELIA	And a chain, that you once wore, about his neck.
	Change you colour?
ROSALIND	I prithee, who?	175
CELIA	O Lord, Lord! it is a hard matter for friends to
	meet; but mountains may be removed with earthquakes
	and so encounter.
ROSALIND	Nay, but who is it?
CELIA	Is it possible?	180
ROSALIND	Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence,
	tell me who it is.
CELIA	O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful
	wonderful! and yet again wonderful, and after that,
	out of all hooping!	185
ROSALIND	Good my complexion! dost thou think, though I am
	caparisoned like a man, I have a doublet and hose in
	my disposition? One inch of delay more is a
	South-sea of discovery; I prithee, tell me who is it
	quickly, and speak apace. I would thou couldst	190
	stammer, that thou mightst pour this concealed man
	out of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a narrow-
	mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none at
	all. I prithee, take the cork out of thy mouth that
	may drink thy tidings.	195
CELIA	So you may put a man in your belly.
ROSALIND	Is he of God's making? What manner of man? Is his
	head worth a hat, or his chin worth a beard?
CELIA	Nay, he hath but a little beard.
ROSALIND	Why, God will send more, if the man will be	200
	thankful: let me stay the growth of his beard, if
	thou delay me not the knowledge of his chin.
CELIA	It is young Orlando, that tripped up the wrestler's
	heels and your heart both in an instant.
ROSALIND	Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow and	205
	true maid.
CELIA	I' faith, coz, 'tis he.
ROSALIND	Orlando?
CELIA	Orlando.
ROSALIND	Alas the day! what shall I do with my doublet and	210
	hose? What did he when thou sawest him? What said
	he? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes
	him here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he?
	How parted he with thee? and when shalt thou see
	him again? Answer me in one word.	215
CELIA	You must borrow me Gargantua's mouth first: 'tis a
	word too great for any mouth of this age's size. To
	say ay and no to these particulars is more than to
	answer in a catechism.
ROSALIND	But doth he know that I am in this forest and in	220
	man's apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did the
	day he wrestled?
CELIA	It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve the
	propositions of a lover; but take a taste of my
	finding him, and relish it with good observance.	225
	I found him under a tree, like a dropped acorn.
ROSALIND	It may well be called Jove's tree, when it drops
	forth such fruit.
CELIA	Give me audience, good madam.
ROSALIND	Proceed.	230
CELIA	There lay he, stretched along, like a wounded knight.
ROSALIND	Though it be pity to see such a sight, it well
	becomes the ground.
CELIA	Cry 'holla' to thy tongue, I prithee; it curvets
	unseasonably. He was furnished like a hunter.	235
ROSALIND	O, ominous! he comes to kill my heart.
CELIA	I would sing my song without a burden: thou bringest
	me out of tune.
ROSALIND	Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must
	speak. Sweet, say on.	240
CELIA	You bring me out. Soft! comes he not here?
	Enter ORLANDO and JAQUES
ROSALIND	'Tis he: slink by, and note him.
JAQUES	I thank you for your company; but, good faith, I had
	as lief have been myself alone.
ORLANDO	And so had I; but yet, for fashion sake, I thank you	245
	too for your society.
JAQUES	God be wi' you: let's meet as little as we can.
ORLANDO	I do desire we may be better strangers.
JAQUES	I pray you, mar no more trees with writing
	love-songs in their barks.	250
ORLANDO	I pray you, mar no more of my verses with reading
	them ill-favouredly.
JAQUES	Rosalind is your love's name?
ORLANDO	Yes, just.
JAQUES	I do not like her name.	255
ORLANDO	There was no thought of pleasing you when she was
	christened.
JAQUES	What stature is she of?
ORLANDO	Just as high as my heart.
JAQUES	You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been	260
	acquainted with goldsmiths' wives, and conned them
	out of rings?
ORLANDO	Not so; but I answer you right painted cloth, from
	whence you have studied your questions.
JAQUES	You have a nimble wit: I think 'twas made of	265
	Atalanta's heels. Will you sit down with me? and
	we two will rail against our mistress the world and
	all our misery.
ORLANDO	I will chide no breather in the world but myself,
	against whom I know most faults.	270
JAQUES	The worst fault you have is to be in love.
ORLANDO	'Tis a fault I will not change for your best virtue.
	I am weary of you.
JAQUES	By my troth, I was seeking for a fool when I found
	you.	275
ORLANDO	He is drowned in the brook: look but in, and you
	shall see him.
JAQUES	There I shall see mine own figure.
ORLANDO	Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher.
JAQUES	I'll tarry no longer with you: farewell, good	280
	Signior Love.
ORLANDO	I am glad of your departure: adieu, good Monsieur
	Melancholy.
	Exit JAQUES
ROSALIND	Aside to CELIA
	lackey and under that habit play the knave with him.
	Do you hear, forester?	285
ORLANDO	Very well: what would you?
ROSALIND	I pray you, what is't o'clock?
ORLANDO	You should ask me what time o' day: there's no clock
	in the forest.
ROSALIND	Then there is no true lover in the forest; else	290
	sighing every minute and groaning every hour would
	detect the lazy foot of Time as well as a clock.
ORLANDO	And why not the swift foot of Time? had not that
	been as proper?
ROSALIND	By no means, sir: Time travels in divers paces with	295
	divers persons. I'll tell you who Time ambles
	withal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallops
	withal and who he stands still withal.
ORLANDO	I prithee, who doth he trot withal?
ROSALIND	Marry, he trots hard with a young maid between the	300
	contract of her marriage and the day it is
	solemnized: if the interim be but a se'nnight,
	Time's pace is so hard that it seems the length of
	seven year.
ORLANDO	Who ambles Time withal?	305
ROSALIND	With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that
	hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because
	he cannot study, and the other lives merrily because
	he feels no pain, the one lacking the burden of lean
	and wasteful learning, the other knowing no burden	310
	of heavy tedious penury; these Time ambles withal.
ORLANDO	Who doth he gallop withal?
ROSALIND	With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as
	softly as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.
ORLANDO	Who stays it still withal?	315
ROSALIND	With lawyers in the vacation, for they sleep between
	term and term and then they perceive not how Time moves.
ORLANDO	Where dwell you, pretty youth?
ROSALIND	With this shepherdess, my sister; here in the
	skirts of the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.	320
ORLANDO	Are you native of this place?
ROSALIND	As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled.
ORLANDO	Your accent is something finer than you could
	purchase in so removed a dwelling.
ROSALIND	I have been told so of many: but indeed an old	325
	religious uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was
	in his youth an inland man; one that knew courtship
	too well, for there he fell in love. I have heard
	him read many lectures against it, and I thank God
	I am not a woman, to be touched with so many	330
	giddy offences as he hath generally taxed their
	whole sex withal.
ORLANDO	Can you remember any of the principal evils that he
	laid to the charge of women?
ROSALIND	There were none principal; they were all like one	335
	another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming
	monstrous till his fellow fault came to match it.
ORLANDO	I prithee, recount some of them.
ROSALIND	No, I will not cast away my physic but on those that
	are sick. There is a man haunts the forest, that	340
	abuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' on
	their barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegies
	on brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name of
	Rosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I would
	give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the	345
	quotidian of love upon him.
ORLANDO	I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me
	your remedy.
ROSALIND	There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: he
	taught me how to know a man in love; in which cage	350
	of rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.
ORLANDO	What were his marks?
ROSALIND	A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye and
	sunken, which you have not, an unquestionable
	spirit, which you have not, a beard neglected,	355
	which you have not; but I pardon you for that, for
	simply your having in beard is a younger brother's
	revenue: then your hose should be ungartered, your
	bonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoe
	untied and every thing about you demonstrating a	360
	careless desolation; but you are no such man; you
	are rather point-device in your accoutrements as
	loving yourself than seeming the lover of any other.
ORLANDO	Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.
ROSALIND	Me believe it! you may as soon make her that you	365
	love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to
	do than to confess she does: that is one of the
	points in the which women still give the lie to
	their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he
	that hangs the verses on the trees, wherein Rosalind	370
	is so admired?
ORLANDO	I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of
	Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.
ROSALIND	But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?
ORLANDO	Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.	375
ROSALIND	Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deserves
	as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: and
	the reason why they are not so punished and cured
	is, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers
	are in love too. Yet I profess curing it by counsel.	380
ORLANDO	Did you ever cure any so?
ROSALIND	Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine me
	his love, his mistress; and I set him every day to
	woo me: at which time would I, being but a moonish
	youth, grieve, be effeminate, changeable, longing	385
	and liking, proud, fantastical, apish, shallow,
	inconstant, full of tears, full of smiles, for every
	passion something and for no passion truly any
	thing, as boys and women are for the most part
	cattle of this colour; would now like him, now loathe	390
	him; then entertain him, then forswear him; now weep
	for him, then spit at him; that I drave my suitor
	from his mad humour of love to a living humour of
	madness; which was, to forswear the full stream of
	the world, and to live in a nook merely monastic.	395
	And thus I cured him; and this way will I take upon
	me to wash your liver as clean as a sound sheep's
	heart, that there shall not be one spot of love in't.
ORLANDO	I would not be cured, youth.
ROSALIND	I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalind	400
	and come every day to my cote and woo me.
ORLANDO	Now, by the faith of my love, I will: tell me
	where it is.
ROSALIND	Go with me to it and I'll show it you and by the way
	you shall tell me where in the forest you live.	405
	Will you go?
ORLANDO	With all my heart, good youth.
ROSALIND	Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will you go?
	Exeunt