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   King Henry IV, Part II
ACT II SCENE IV London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap. 
 Enter two Drawers 
First Drawer What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns? 
 thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john. 
Second Drawer Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dish 
 of apple-johns before him, and told him there were 5
 five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said 
 'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, 
 old, withered knights.' It angered him to the 
 heart: but he hath forgot that. 
First Drawer Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see if 10
 thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress 
 Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the 
 room where they supped is too hot; they'll come in straight. 
Second Drawer Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins 
 anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and 15
 aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph 
 hath brought word. 
First Drawer By the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be an 
 excellent stratagem. 
Second Drawer I'll see if I can find out Sneak. 20
 Exit 
 Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET 
MISTRESS QUICKLY I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an 
 excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as 
 extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your 
 colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good 
 truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too much 25
 canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, 
 and it perfumes the blood ere one can say 'What's 
 this?' How do you now? 
DOLL TEARSHEET Better than I was: hem! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold. 30
 Lo, here comes Sir John. 
 Enter FALSTAFF 
FALSTAFF Singing 
 --Empty the jordan. 
 Exit First Drawer 
 Singing 
 --'And was a worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sick of a calm; yea, good faith. 
FALSTAFF So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. 35
DOLL TEARSHEET You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me? 
FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. 
DOLL TEARSHEET I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I 
 make them not. 
FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to 40
 make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we 
 catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that. 
DOLL TEARSHEET Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels. 
FALSTAFF 'Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:' for to serve 
 bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come 45
 off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to 
 surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged 
 chambers bravely,-- 
DOLL TEARSHEET Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never 50
 meet but you fall to some discord: you are both, 
 i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you 
 cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What 
 the good-year! one must bear, and that must be 
 you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the 55
 emptier vessel. 
DOLL TEARSHEET Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full 
 hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of 
 Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk 
 better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends 60
 with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and 
 whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is 
 nobody cares. 
 Re-enter First Drawer 
First Drawer Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with 
 you. 65
DOLL TEARSHEET Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come 
 hither: it is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my 
 faith; I must live among my neighbours: I'll no 
 swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the 70
 very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers 
 here: I have not lived all this while, to have 
 swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you. 
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no 75
 swaggerers here. 
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient 
 swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master 
 Tisick, the debuty, t'other day; and, as he said to 80
 me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, 'I' 
 good faith, neighbour Quickly,' says he; Master 
 Dumbe, our minister, was by then; 'neighbour 
 Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil; 
 for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name:' now a' 85
 said so, I can tell whereupon; 'for,' says he, 'you 
 are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore 
 take heed what guests you receive: receive,' says 
 he, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none 
 here: you would bless you to hear what he said: 90
 no, I'll no swaggerers. 
FALSTAFF He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' 
 faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy 
 greyhound: he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if 
 her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. 95
 Call him up, drawer. 
 Exit First Drawer 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my 
 house, nor no cheater: but I do not love 
 swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when one 
 says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, 100
 I warrant you. 
DOLL TEARSHEET So you do, hostess. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen 
 leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers. 
 Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page 
PISTOL God save you, Sir John! 105
FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge 
 you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess. 
PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets. 
FALSTAFF She is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend 
 her. 110
MISTRESS QUICKLY Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll 
 drink no more than will do me good, for no man's 
 pleasure, I. 
PISTOL Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you. 
DOLL TEARSHEET Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! 115
 you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen 
 mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for 
 your master. 
PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy. 
DOLL TEARSHEET Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! 120
 by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy 
 chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, 
 you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale 
 juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's 
 light, with two points on your shoulder? much! 125
PISTOL God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this. 
FALSTAFF No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here: 
 discharge yourself of our company, Pistol. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY No, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain. 
DOLL TEARSHEET Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou 130
 not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were 
 of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for 
 taking their names upon you before you have earned 
 them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for 
 tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a 135
 captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy 
 stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's 
 light, these villains will make the word as odious 
 as the word 'occupy;' which was an excellent good 
 word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains 140
 had need look to 't. 
BARDOLPH Pray thee, go down, good ancient. 
FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll. 
PISTOL Not I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could 
 tear her: I'll be revenged of her. 145
Page Pray thee, go down. 
PISTOL I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake, 
 by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and 
 tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. 
 Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not 150
 Hiren here? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i' 
 faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler. 
PISTOL These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses 
 And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia, 155
 Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day, 
 Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals, 
 And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with 
 King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar. 
 Shall we fall foul for toys? 160
MISTRESS QUICKLY By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words. 
BARDOLPH Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to abrawl anon. 
PISTOL Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we 
 not Heren here? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What 165
 the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For 
 God's sake, be quiet. 
PISTOL Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis. 
 Come, give's some sack. 
 'Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.' 170
 Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire: 
 Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there. 
 Laying down his sword 
 Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing? 
FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet. 
PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seen 175
 the seven stars. 
DOLL TEARSHEET For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot 
 endure such a fustian rascal. 
PISTOL Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags? 
FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat 180
 shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing, 
 a' shall be nothing here. 
BARDOLPH Come, get you down stairs. 
PISTOL What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue? 
 Snatching up his sword 
 Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! 185
 Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds 
 Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Here's goodly stuff toward! 
FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy. 
DOLL TEARSHEET I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw. 190
FALSTAFF Get you down stairs. 
 Drawing, and driving PISTOL out 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping 
 house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. 
 So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up 
 your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons. 195
 Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH 
DOLL TEARSHEET I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. 
 Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY He you not hurt i' the groin? methought a' made a 
 shrewd thrust at your belly. 
 Re-enter BARDOLPH 
FALSTAFF Have you turned him out o' doors? 200
BARDOLPH Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt him, 
 sir, i' the shoulder. 
FALSTAFF A rascal! to brave me! 
DOLL TEARSHEET Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! alas, poor ape, 
 how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face; 205
 come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i'faith, I 
 love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, 
 worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than 
 the Nine Worthies: ah, villain! 
FALSTAFF A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. 210
DOLL TEARSHEET Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost, 
 I'll canvass thee between a pair of sheets. 
 Enter Music 
Page The music is come, sir. 
FALSTAFF Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. 
 A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me 215
 like quicksilver. 
DOLL TEARSHEET I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church. 
 Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, 
 when wilt thou leave fighting o' days and foining 
 o' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven? 220
 Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised 
FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head; 
 do not bid me remember mine end. 
DOLL TEARSHEET Sirrah, what humour's the prince of? 
FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow: a' would have made a 
 good pantler, a' would ha' chipp'd bread well. 225
DOLL TEARSHEET They say Poins has a good wit. 
FALSTAFF He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as thick 
 as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him 
 than is in a mallet. 
DOLL TEARSHEET Why does the prince love him so, then? 230
FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a' 
 plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, 
 and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, and 
 rides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps upon 
 joined-stools, and swears with a good grace, and 235
 wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of 
 the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet 
 stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has, 
 that show a weak mind and an able body, for the 
 which the prince admits him: for the prince himself 240
 is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the 
 scales between their avoirdupois. 
PRINCE HENRY Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? 
POINS Let's beat him before his whore. 
PRINCE HENRY Look, whether the withered elder hath not his poll 245
 clawed like a parrot. 
POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years 
 outlive performance? 
FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll. 
PRINCE HENRY Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what 250
 says the almanac to that? 
POINS And look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not 
 lisping to his master's old tables, his note-book, 
 his counsel-keeper. 
FALSTAFF Thou dost give me flattering busses. 255
DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart. 
FALSTAFF I am old, I am old. 
DOLL TEARSHEET I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young 
 boy of them all. 
FALSTAFF What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive 260
 money o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A 
 merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed. 
 Thou'lt forget me when I am gone. 
DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou 
 sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome 265
 till thy return: well, harken at the end. 
FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis. 
PRINCE HENRY | 
 | Anon, anon, sir. 
POINS | 270
 Coming forward 
FALSTAFF Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou 
 Poins his brother? 
PRINCE HENRY Why, thou globe of sinful continents! what a life 
 dost thou lead! 
FALSTAFF A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer. 275
PRINCE HENRY Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY O, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my troth, 
 welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet 
 face of thine! O, Jesu, are you come from Wales? 
FALSTAFF Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light 280
 flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome. 
DOLL TEARSHEET How, you fat fool! I scorn you. 
POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and 
 turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat. 
PRINCE HENRY You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you 285
 speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous, 
 civil gentlewoman! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, 
 by my troth. 
FALSTAFF Didst thou hear me? 290
PRINCE HENRY Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away 
 by Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and 
 spoke it on purpose to try my patience. 
FALSTAFF No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing. 
PRINCE HENRY I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse; 295
 and then I know how to handle you. 
FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour, no abuse. 
PRINCE HENRY Not to dispraise me, and call me pantier and 
 bread-chipper and I know not what? 
FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal. 300
POINS No abuse? 
FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. I 
 dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked 
 might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I 
 have done the part of a careful friend and a true 305
 subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. 
 No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none. 
PRINCE HENRY See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth 
 not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to 
 close with us? is she of the wicked? is thine 310
 hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the 
 wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his 
 nose, of the wicked? 
POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer. 
FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable; 315
 and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he 
 doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, 
 there is a good angel about him; but the devil 
 outbids him too. 
PRINCE HENRY For the women? 320
FALSTAFF For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns 
 poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and 
 whether she be damned for that, I know not. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY No, I warrant you. 
FALSTAFF No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for 325
 that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, 
 for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, 
 contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY All victuallers do so; what's a joint of mutton or 
 two in a whole Lent? 330
PRINCE HENRY You, gentlewoman,- 
DOLL TEARSHEET What says your grace? 
FALSTAFF His grace says that which his flesh rebels against. 
 Knocking within 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis. 
 Enter PETO 
PRINCE HENRY Peto, how now! what news? 335
PETO The king your father is at Westminster: 
 And there are twenty weak and wearied posts 
 Come from the north: and, as I came along, 
 I met and overtook a dozen captains, 
 Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns, 340
 And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff. 
PRINCE HENRY By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame, 
 So idly to profane the precious time, 
 When tempest of commotion, like the south 
 Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt 345
 And drop upon our bare unarmed heads. 
 Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night. 
 Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH 
FALSTAFF Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and 
 we must hence and leave it unpicked. 
 Knocking within 
 More knocking at the door! 350
 Re-enter BARDOLPH 
 How now! what's the matter? 
BARDOLPH You must away to court, sir, presently; 
 A dozen captains stay at door for you. 
FALSTAFF To the Page 
 hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, 
 how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver 355
 may sleep, when the man of action is called on. 
 Farewell good wenches: if I be not sent away post, 
 I will see you again ere I go. 
DOLL TEARSHEET I cannot speak; if my heart be not read to burst,-- 
 well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. 360
FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell. 
 Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these 
 twenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an 
 honester and truer-hearted man,--well, fare thee well. 
BARDOLPH Within 
MISTRESS QUICKLY What's the matter? 365
BARDOLPH Within 
MISTRESS QUICKLY O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come. 
 She comes blubbered 
 Yea, will you come, Doll? 
 Exeunt 


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