King Henry IV, Part I

King Henry IV, Part I

ACT III SCENE III	Eastcheap. The Boar's-Head Tavern.
	Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF	Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last
	action? do I not bate? do I not dwindle? Why my
	skin hangs about me like an like an old lady's loose
	gown; I am withered like an old apple-john. Well,	5
	I'll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some
	liking; I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I
	shall have no strength to repent. An I have not
	forgotten what the inside of a church is made of, I
	am a peppercorn, a brewer's horse: the inside of a	10
	church! Company, villanous company, hath been the
	spoil of me.
BARDOLPH	Sir John, you are so fretful, you cannot live long.
FALSTAFF	Why, there is it: come sing me a bawdy song; make
	me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman	15
	need to be; virtuous enough; swore little; diced not
	above seven times a week; went to a bawdy-house once
	in a quarter--of an hour; paid money that I
	borrowed, three of four times; lived well and in
	good compass: and now I live out of all order, out	20
	of all compass.
BARDOLPH	Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs
	be out of all compass, out of all reasonable
	compass, Sir John.
FALSTAFF	Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life:	25
	thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in
	the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the
	Knight of the Burning Lamp.
BARDOLPH	Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm.
FALSTAFF	No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it as many	30
	a man doth of a Death's-head or a memento mori: I
	never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire and
	Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his
	robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way
	given to virtue, I would swear by thy face; my oath	35
	should be 'By this fire, that's God's angel:' but
	thou art altogether given over; and wert indeed, but
	for the light in thy face, the son of utter
	darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in the
	night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou	40
	hadst been an ignis fatuus or a ball of wildfire,
	there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a
	perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light!
	Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and
	torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt	45
	tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast
	drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap
	at the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have
	maintained that salamander of yours with fire any
	time this two and thirty years; God reward me for	50
	it!
BARDOLPH	'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!
FALSTAFF	God-a-mercy! so should I be sure to be heart-burned.
	Enter Hostess
	How now, Dame Partlet the hen! have you inquired
	yet who picked my pocket?	55
Hostess	Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? do you
	think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched,
	I have inquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy
	by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of a hair
	was never lost in my house before.	60
FALSTAFF	Ye lie, hostess: Bardolph was shaved and lost many
	a hair; and I'll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go
	to, you are a woman, go.
Hostess	Who, I? no; I defy thee: God's light, I was never
	called so in mine own house before.	65
FALSTAFF	Go to, I know you well enough.
Hostess	No, Sir John; You do not know me, Sir John. I know
	you, Sir John: you owe me money, Sir John; and now
	you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I bought
	you a dozen of shirts to your back.	70
FALSTAFF	Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to
	bakers' wives, and they have made bolters of them.
Hostess	Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight
	shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir
	John, for your diet and by-drinkings, and money lent	75
	you, four and twenty pound.
FALSTAFF	He had his part of it; let him pay.
Hostess	He? alas, he is poor; he hath nothing.
FALSTAFF	How! poor? look upon his face; what call you rich?
	let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks:	80
	Ill not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker
	of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn but I
	shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a
	seal-ring of my grandfather's worth forty mark.
Hostess	O Jesu, I have heard the prince tell him, I know not	85
	how oft, that ring was copper!
FALSTAFF	How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup: 'sblood, an
	he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he
	would say so.
	Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFFmeets them playing on his truncheon like a life
	How now, lad! is the wind in that door, i' faith?	90
	must we all march?
BARDOLPH	Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.
Hostess	My lord, I pray you, hear me.
PRINCE HENRY	What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy
	husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.	95
Hostess	Good my lord, hear me.
FALSTAFF	Prithee, let her alone, and list to me.
PRINCE HENRY	What sayest thou, Jack?
FALSTAFF	The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras
	and had my pocket picked: this house is turned	100
	bawdy-house; they pick pockets.
PRINCE HENRY	What didst thou lose, Jack?
FALSTAFF	Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of
	forty pound apiece, and a seal-ring of my
	grandfather's.	105
PRINCE HENRY	A trifle, some eight-penny matter.
Hostess	So I told him, my lord; and I said I heard your
	grace say so: and, my lord, he speaks most vilely
	of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said
	he would cudgel you.	110
PRINCE HENRY	What! he did not?
Hostess	There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.
FALSTAFF	There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed
	prune; nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn
	fox; and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the	115
	deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing,
	go
Hostess	Say, what thing? what thing?
FALSTAFF	What thing! why, a thing to thank God on.
Hostess	I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou	120
	shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife: and,
	setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to
	call me so.
FALSTAFF	Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say
	otherwise.	125
Hostess	Say, what beast, thou knave, thou?
FALSTAFF	What beast! why, an otter.
PRINCE HENRY	An otter, Sir John! Why an otter?
FALSTAFF	Why, she's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not
	where to have her.	130
Hostess	Thou art an unjust man in saying so: thou or any
	man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou!
PRINCE HENRY	Thou sayest true, hostess; and he slanders thee most grossly.
Hostess	So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day you
	ought him a thousand pound.	135
PRINCE HENRY	Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?
FALSTAFF	A thousand pound, Ha! a million: thy love is worth
	a million: thou owest me thy love.
Hostess	Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would
	cudgel you.	140
FALSTAFF	Did I, Bardolph?
BARDOLPH	Indeed, Sir John, you said so.
FALSTAFF	Yea, if he said my ring was copper.
PRINCE HENRY	I say 'tis copper: darest thou be as good as thy word now?
FALSTAFF	Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare:	145
	but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the
	roaring of a lion's whelp.
PRINCE HENRY	And why not as the lion?
FALSTAFF	The king is to be feared as the lion: dost thou
	think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an	150
	I do, I pray God my girdle break.
PRINCE HENRY	O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy
	knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith,
	truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine; it is all
	filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest	155
	woman with picking thy pocket! why, thou whoreson,
	impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in
	thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of
	bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of
	sugar-candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket	160
	were enriched with any other injuries but these, I
	am a villain: and yet you will stand to if; you will
	not pocket up wrong: art thou not ashamed?
FALSTAFF	Dost thou hear, Hal? thou knowest in the state of
	innocency Adam fell; and what should poor Jack	165
	Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I
	have more flesh than another man, and therefore more
	frailty. You confess then, you picked my pocket?
PRINCE HENRY	It appears so by the story.
FALSTAFF	Hostess, I forgive thee: go, make ready breakfast;	170
	love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy
	guests: thou shalt find me tractable to any honest
	reason: thou seest I am pacified still. Nay,
	prithee, be gone.
	Exit Hostess
	Now Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery,	175
	lad, how is that answered?
PRINCE HENRY	O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to
	thee: the money is paid back again.
FALSTAFF	O, I do not like that paying back; 'tis a double labour.
PRINCE HENRY	I am good friends with my father and may do any thing.	180
FALSTAFF	Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and
	do it with unwashed hands too.
BARDOLPH	Do, my lord.
PRINCE HENRY	I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.
FALSTAFF	I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find	185
	one that can steal well? O for a fine thief, of the
	age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am
	heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for
	these rebels, they offend none but the virtuous: I
	laud them, I praise them.	190
PRINCE HENRY	Bardolph!
BARDOLPH	My lord?
PRINCE HENRY	Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, to my
	brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.
	Exit Bardolph
	Go, Peto, to horse, to horse; for thou and I have	195
	thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.
	Exit Peto
	Jack, meet me to-morrow in the temple hall at two
	o'clock in the afternoon.
	There shalt thou know thy charge; and there receive
	Money and order for their furniture.	200
	The land is burning; Percy stands on high;
	And either we or they must lower lie.
	Exit PRINCE HENRY
FALSTAFF	Rare words! brave world! Hostess, my breakfast, come!
	O, I could wish this tavern were my drum!
	Exit